Hide & Seek - James Patterson [64]
I sat in the den, staring out onto the grounds. The morning sun was up and birds were chirping everywhere. But unpleasant images were flying inside my head—bad ones. I remembered a movie with Julia Roberts called Sleeping with the Enemy. I felt as though I were in it, or maybe this was Gaslight. Or maybe I was dreaming. Please. Let this be a dream.
I don't know who my husband is, I kept thinking. Is that possible? Is that what's happening? What is Will doing to himself? What is he doing to all of us?
Allie wandered into the den and found me there. I did my best to act as though nothing were the matter.
“I've been waiting, waiting, waiting for you to get up and come see me,” I said to him. I patted my lap for him to come sit. He ran to me and jumped into my arms.
I held Allie, and kissed and hugged him. He did the same for me. He had no idea how important that was to me right now. I felt as though I might start stuttering again. My chest seemed to collapse in on me. I loved holding him like this though. We'd done it every single morning since he was born. I don't think we'd missed a day.
Suddenly Allie turned to me. He squinted as he looked up into my eyes.
“What's wrong, Mommy?” my little boy said. “What's wrong?”
Later that morning, I returned to the dreary hospital in downtown New York. I was allowed to see Will again. He was sitting up, still incredibly dazed, and sipping juice through a straw.
The part of his face not covered by bandages was purplish; his eyes were horrible thin slits, his lips puffy, as though they had been stung by a swarm of bees again and again. He looked like one of those poor men who sleep on sidewalk gratings all over New York. My husband looked like that.
Will reached a hand toward me when I came in. I felt my heart soften. I couldn't help it. “Maggie …” he whispered.
I didn't take his hand, but instead stood looking at him. I hated holding back, but I had to.
“Maggie … forgive me. Please forgive me.”
“How can I, Will?” I finally spoke to him.
He began to cry like a little boy. Will curled himself into a tight ball, a fetal position, and he wept. He seemed so pathetic, horribly alone, and I couldn't imagine what was the matter with him.
My heart nearly broke, but I didn't reach out to comfort Will. This time, I couldn't.
CHAPTER 75
BAD THOUGHTS HAD been drifting through Will's head ever since he'd come home, but while he was in the hospital as well.
It frosted him that Maggie was still a huge star, and he was a nothing. But most of all, it incensed Will that she was happy. Maggie, Jennie, and Allie were a self-contained unit. They didn't need him. They functioned beautifully on their own.
Bad thoughts. Constantly. Morning, noon, and especially at night.
Like the one about Allie having an accident while they were out riding horses.
Or pretty Jennie—lots to fantasize about there. Jennie was sweet on him anyway. She was like all the others, wasn't she? They wanted him, desperately, until they discovered who he really was.
Palmer was as bad as the others, maybe worse. His own brother was taking money from him to keep a few harmless secrets. Well, at least Palmer had always been up front about being a worthless bastard.
Maggie was the real problem, and he didn't know what to do about her.
Lots of bad thoughts though.
Lots of possibilities. None of them very nice.
Like?
What if I killed myself, as my father did?
What if I took it one step further?
What if, what if, what if. …
CHAPTER 76
WATCH CLOSELY NOW. Please. Try to listen to each word, to every nuance. This is where the ride starts to get real tricky, where I began to seriously question my sanity. Just thinking about it made me feel tense and uncertain and sick to my stomach.
Am I guilty? Am I the murderer they say I