Hogfather - Terry Pratchett [104]
“I don’t see why,” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. “Just because he can do things with numbers doesn’t mean everything else is fine.”
“Doesn’t need to be,” said Ridcully. “Numbers is what he has to do. The poor chap might be slightly yo-yo, but I’ve been reading about it. He’s one of these idiot servants.”
“Savants,” said the Dean patiently. “The word is savants, Ridcully.”
“Whatever. Those chaps who can tell you what day of the week the first of Grune was a hundred years ago—”
“—Tuesday—” said the Bursar.
“—but can’t tie their boot laces,” said Ridcully. “What was a corpse doing in his wardrobe? And no one is to say ‘Not a lot,’ or anythin’ tasteless like that. Haven’t had a corpse in a wardrobe since that business with Archchancellor Buckleby.”
“We all warned Buckleby that the lock was too stiff,” said the Dean.
“Just out of interest, why was the Bursar fiddling with his wardrobe at this time of night?” said Ridcully.
The wizards looked sheepish.
“We were…playing Sardines, Archchancellor,” said the Dean.
“What’s that?”
“It’s like Hide and Seek, but when you find someone you have to squeeze in with them,” said the Dean.
“I just want to be clear about this,” said Ridcully. “My senior wizards have spent the evening playing Hide and Seek?”
“Oh, not the whole evening,” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. “We played Grandmother’s Footsteps and I Spy for quite a while until the Senior Wrangler made a scene just because we wouldn’t let him spell chandelier with an S.”
“Party games? You fellows?”
The Dean sidled closer.
“It’s Miss Smith,” he mumbled. “When we don’t join in she bursts into tears.”
“Who’s Miss Smith?”
“The Cheerful Fairy,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes glumly. “If you don’t say yes to everything her lip wobbles like a plate of jelly. It’s unbearable.”
“We just joined in to stop her weeping,” said the Dean. “It’s amazing how one woman can be so soggy.”
“If we’re not cheerful she bursts into tears,” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. “The Senior Wrangler’s doing some juggling for her at the moment.”
“But he can’t juggle!”
“I think that’s cheering her up a bit.”
“What you’re tellin’ me, then, is that my wizards are prancing around playin’ children’s games just to cheer up some dejected fairy?”
“Er…yes.”
“I thought you had to clap your hands and say you believed in ’em,” said Ridcully. “Correct me if I’m wrong.”
“That’s just for the little shiny ones,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. “Not for the ones in saggy cardigans with half a dozen hankies stuffed up their sleeves.”
Ridcully looked at the corpse again.
“Anyone know who he is? Looks a bit of a ruffian to me. And where’s his boots, may I ask?”
The Dean took a small glass cube from his pocket and ran it over the corpse.
“Quite a large thaumic reading, gentlemen,” he said. “I think he got here by magic.”
He rummaged in the man’s pockets and pulled out a handful of small white things.
“Ugh,” he said.
“Teeth?” said Ridcully. “Who goes around with a pocket full of teeth?”
“A very bad fighter?” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. “I’ll go and get Modo to take the poor fellow away, shall I?”
“If we can get a reading off the thaumameter, perhaps Hex—” Ridcully began.
“Now, Ridcully,” said the Dean, “I really think there must be some problems that can be resolved without having to deal with that damn thinking mill.”
Death looked up at Hex.
A MACHINE FOR THINKING?
“Er…yes, sir,” said Ponder Stibbons. “You see, when you said…Well, you see, Hex believes everything…But, look, the sun really will come up, won’t it? That’s its job.”
LEAVE US.
Ponder backed away, and then scurried out of the room.
The ants flowed along their tubes. Cogwheels spun. The big wheel with the sheep skulls on it creaked around slowly. A mouse squeaked, somewhere in the works.
WELL? said Death.
After a while, the pen began to write.
+++ Big Red Lever Time +++ Query +++
NO. THEY SAY YOU ARE A THINKER. EXTEND LOGICALLY THE RESULT OF THE HUMAN RACE CEASING TO BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER. WILL THE SUN COME UP? ANSWER.