Hogfather - Terry Pratchett [52]
“Why don’t we just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?” he said.
And Ridcully responded with the traditional response.
“It’s got to be worth a try,” he said.
The big glass beaker for the cure had been placed on a pedestal in the middle of the floor. The wizards liked to make a ceremony of everything in any case, but felt instinctively that if they were going to cure the biggest hangover in the world it needed to be done with style.
Susan and Bilious watched as the ingredients were added. Round about halfway the mixture, which was an orange-brown color, went gloop.
“Not a lot of improvement, I feel,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
Englebert’s Enhancer was the penultimate ingredient. The Dean dropped in a greenish ball of light that sank under the surface. The only apparent effect was that it caused purple bubbles to creep over the sides of the beaker and drip onto the floor.
“That’s it?” said the oh god.
“I think the yogurt probably wasn’t a good idea,” said the Dean.
“I’m not drinking that,” said Bilious firmly, and then clutched at his head.
“But gods are practically unkillable, aren’t they?” said the Dean.
“Oh, good,” muttered Bilious. “Why not stick my legs in a meat grinder, then?”
“Well, if you think it might help—”
“I anticipated a certain amount of resistance from the patient,” said the Archchancellor. He removed his hat and fished out a small crystal ball from a pocket in the lining. “Let’s see what the God of Wine is up to at the moment, shall we? Shouldn’t be too difficult to locate a fun-loving god like him on an evening like this…”
He blew on the glass and polished it. Then he brightened up.
“Why, here he is, the little rascal! On Dunmanifestin, I do believe. Yes…yes…reclining on his couch, surrounded by naked maenads.”
“What? Maniacs?” said the Dean.
“He means…excitable young women,” said Susan. And it seemed to her that there was a general ripple of movement among the wizards, a sort of nonchalant drawing toward the glittering ball.
“Can’t quite see what he’s doing…” said Ridcully.
“Let me see if I can make it out,” said the Chair of Indefinite Studies hopefully. Ridcully half turned to keep the ball out of his reach.
“Ah, yes,” he said. “It looks like he’s drinking…yes, could very well be lager and black-currant, if I’m any judge…”
“Oh, me…” moaned the oh god.
“These young women, now—” the Lecturer in Recent Runes began.
“I can see there’s some bottles on the table,” Ridcully continued. “That one, hmm, yes, could be scumble which, as you know, is made from apples—”
“Mainly apples,” the Dean volunteered. “Now, about these poor mad girls—”
The oh god slumped to his knees.
“…and there’s…that drink, you know, there’s a worm in the bottle…”
“Oh, me…”
“…and…there’s an empty glass, a big one, can’t quite see what it contained, but there’s a paper umbrella in it. And some cherries on a stick. Oh, and an amusing little monkey.”
“…ooohhh…”
“…of course, there’s a lot of other bottles, too,” said Ridcully, cheerfully. “Different colored drinks, mainly. The sort made from melons and coconuts and chocolate and such like, don’tcherknow. Funny thing is, all the glasses on the table are pint mugs…”
Bilious fell forward.
“All right,” he murmured. “I’ll drink the wretched stuff.”
“It’s not quite ready yet,” said Ridcully. “Ah, thank you, Modo.”
Modo tiptoed in, pushing a trolley. There was a large metal bowl on it, in which a small bottle stood in the middle of a heap of crushed ice.
“Only just made this for Hogswatch dinner,” said Ridcully. “Hasn’t had much time to mature yet.”
He put down the crystal and fished a pair of heavy gloves out of his hat.
The wizards spread like an opening flower. One moment they were gathered around Ridcully, the next they were standing close to various items of heavy furniture.
Susan felt she was present at a ceremony and hadn’t been told the rules.
“What’s that?” she said, as Ridcully carefully lifted up the bottle.
“Wow-Wow Sauce,” said Ridcully. “Finest condiment known to man. A happy accompaniment to meat, fish,