Homecoming - Christie Golden [61]
“You never were one to beat around the bush,” grumbled Chakotay.
“Well? You couldn’t stop talking about her before.”
Chakotay sighed and shut his eyes again, letting the red warmth beat against his closed lids. “Didn’t work out.”
“Hmm,” Sekaya said cryptically. “You going back to Starfleet or staying here? Or neither?”
“Sekky, I don’t know,” he said. “I came here to get away from those decisions for a while.” He’d had enough of soul-searching. The visit to Tevlik’s moon with Capt—Admir—dammit, Kathryn, had distressed him even more than he thought it would. He wanted quiet, peace, time to just be still.
Time enough for all that in the grave, said a voice. It didn’t belong to Sekaya. Chakotay opened his eyes and knew by the strange, dazzling hue of the colors that he had fallen asleep and was having a vivid dream.
Sekaya was gone. In her place, rolling about [182] gleefully in the sun as if it were nothing but an oversized house cat, was an enormous black jaguar.
In the dream state, Chakotay’s heart raced. Before, he had encountered Snake and Wolf, even the trickster Coyote a time or two. But Black Jaguar? Jaguar came only rarely, on the eve of events of great import. And Black Jaguar ... only a few of the most powerful shamans had ever been graced by Her beautiful presence, and none in Chakotay’s time. No totem animal had as much pagata as Black Jaguar. Chakotay felt every hair on his body stand on end.
He had thought She would be dignified, graceful, elegant. Instead She was undulating on the rock, paws extended to bat the air, and a silly look on Her feline face. As She watched him stare at Her, somewhat disapprovingly, She extended one velvet forepaw, claws carefully sheathed, and delicately patted his face.
You worry too much; Chakotay, he heard Her say in his mind. You need to lie in the sun on a warm rock now and then.
I thought that was exactly what I was doing, Chakotay “replied,” mildly amused.
Not really. You may look like you’re relaxing in the sun, but you’re just killing time until you can start fretting again.
Somewhat embarrassed, he realized She was right. But when I wanted to be still, to be quiet, it sounded like you disapproved.
You were trying to hide. You weren’t embracing a swim and a lie-down in the sun; you were running from your fears. Be active in your relaxing.
[183] Chakotay was thoroughly confused and starting to get annoyed. I don’t understand what you are trying to tell me. First you want me to do something; then you want me to lie in the sun. Coyote is for riddling, not Black Jaguar.
She rolled upright and stared into his eyes with Her amber ones. Chakotay tasted fear, coppery and cold, in his throat. Black Jaguar was not to be trifled with, even if She did just look like a big cat who’d found some particularly potent catnip.
What is Black Jaguar for, then, little human?
He had displeased Her, he knew it. He took a deep breath, and recited what the shamans had said. Black Jaguar is the totem of great power, of courage, of ferocity. Of fighting great battles in just causes. Of dealing out death to those who deserve it, and not flinching from the task. Black Jaguar strikes without warning and kills swiftly and fairly. When Black Jaguar appears, one is about to ...
He found he couldn’t even dare to think the words. Black Jaguar finished the homily for him.
One is about to embark on a journey that will test one’s mettle, wits, courage, and faith in the dark places. It is a trial of the highest sort, and if one fails, then Black Jaguar will exact Her punishment. And if one succeeds, great good will come about, for the journeyer and the world.
Chakotay stared at Her, his heart cold in his chest. She met his gaze evenly, then flopped back on Her warm rock. Now do you see why you ought to fully live the moment, Chakotay? With so much ahead of [184] you, you’d better take your sun-moments where you can.
“Chakotay.” He stirred. “Chakotay, wake up. You were talking in your sleep.”
He opened his eyes to see Sekaya’s concerned