Hope - Lesley Pearse [161]
Anne sensed this was what had happened to him, for she’d often felt that when he verbally abused her when he’d been drinking, the words coming out of his mouth were not his.
That was what made her strong enough to tell him about Angus. It wasn’t fair to let him pour out all his hurt and shame believing that he alone had destroyed the happiness they once had together. And, as always, she remained self-centred enough to think that once William knew, Albert would have nothing to hold over her.
She poured out her adultery in a torrent, telling him how she was attracted to Angus right from their first meeting, but that she held her feelings in check right up until William left for America.
‘It wouldn’t have happened if you’d been here,’ she said brokenly. ‘But you went away without me and I couldn’t stop myself.’
She went on to tell him that she’d had Angus’s baby, and how she’d been told by Bridie that the infant was stillborn.
William had remained surprisingly calm throughout her revelation. He looked stunned, bewildered, but not angry. He didn’t interrupt her once with recriminations or even questions.
‘But the baby didn’t die. Nell took her home to her parents. The baby was Hope!’ she sobbed out. ‘I never knew. She came here and played with Rufus, but I never guessed she was mine. Nell didn’t tell me until that awful day she said Albert had killed her.’
William’s calm vanished then. He sat up straight on the bed and looked at her with steely eyes. ‘Hope was your child?’ he asked, his voice suddenly louder and harsh. ‘You must have known the baby was alive. How could you let it go to someone so close? Was that so you could still see her?’
‘No,’ Anne insisted, a little bewildered that he was more upset by the child of her union with Angus than the love affair. ‘I believed Bridie when she said she was dead. I was exhausted after the birth, and I didn’t know anything about babies then. Bridie showed her to me and she wasn’t moving or crying. Besides, you were due home from America any day and I was so scared. It just seemed to me to be God’s way of dealing with my problem.’
William put his head in his hands and made a kind of wailing sound.
‘I’m so sorry, William,’ she sobbed. ‘I have no idea what I would have done if I’d known she was alive. I suppose I would have asked Bridie to find a home for her, I couldn’t have done anything else, could I? Imagine the disgrace!’
William remained with his head in his hands.
‘How could I tell you about it?’ she pleaded. ‘It was such a terrible time, all alone here with Bridie, for all the other servants had gone to the London house by then. All I could think about was getting strong enough for the drive to London to join you. I did my best to forget it ever happened, and you made it easier because you were so kind and considerate.’
He looked up then, his face pale and haggard. ‘Only because I was burdened with guilt too,’ he said in a small voice. ‘You seemed distant, preoccupied, but I thought you were angry because I hadn’t taken you with me to America. Oh, Anne! If only you’d told me all this before.’
‘How could I?’ she asked. ‘And what point would there have been in telling you when I thought the baby was dead?’
William nodded as if seeing her point. ‘But did you tell Angus about it?’
Anne shook her head. ‘His regiment left before I even knew I was with child,’ she said. ‘I didn’t see him again until some time after Rufus was born. You were here when he called. Don’t you remember he came upstairs to the nursery with us to see Rufus? He brought him a little wooden horse. You made us all laugh by galloping it along the edge of the crib.’
William half-smiled ruefully. ‘Yes, I remember. I told Rufus he’d have a real one to ride on as soon as he could sit in a saddle.’
‘We were so happy at that time,’ Anne said wistfully. ‘I could have put Angus out of my mind if you’d only stayed the way you were then. But you changed, getting drunk all the time, saying nasty things to me. Why did you change like that? Was it because you loved someone else?’
‘Not then,’