How God Changes Your Brain - Andrew Newberg, M. D_ [113]
In “normal” conversation, most people talk longer than that, so it's not surprising to find out that your partner can only recall—and respond to—the last few things you said. If you engage in an intellectual dialogue for longer than thirty seconds, your frontal lobes may begin to disconnect from the emotional centers in your brain. You'll find yourself getting lost in your words, and that further breaks the empathic bond between you and your partner. Even when you stop talking, your frontal lobes are inclined to keep racing along, and this is where breathing and yawning is needed. It slows down the internal monologue.
For many people, thirty seconds doesn't feel like enough time to articulate a complex feeling or thought, so they forget about the “rule” and continue to talk. That's where the bell on the CD helps. At first it is hard to understand how brief exchanges in dialogue can lead to a meaningful experience, but neurologically, the nonverbal parts of each person's brain are learning how to resonate to each other. This creates a sense of connectedness, and when this state is established, conversations begin to flow more smoothly. And with practice, the slow, limited speech will teach your brain, and your conscious mind, to be more selective with your words. Talking becomes more mindful and direct.
In Compassionate Communication, the purpose is not to make a point. Rather, the goal is to train the mind to watch where a spontaneous conversation leads. If you don't force the conversation in a specific direction, your brain will automatically focus on underlying issues that are often difficult to put in words. This is the true beauty of Compassionate Communication. Like other forms of mindfulness meditation, it quickly takes you into uncharted territories of feelings and thoughts while you remain relaxed and alert.
As you become comfortable with the exercise, which may take two or three practice sessions, you'll find that you can shift the dialogue to a specific issue or problem. As long as you remember to stay relaxed, you'll be able to resolve many issues in less than an hour. That is what we see in the counseling room, but obviously there's a third person present to help you stay on track. When you do this outside of counseling, you and your partner should agree to help each other stay on track. For example, one of you can signal the other to take a deep breath by gently touching him or her on the hand.
In marriages, it's important to have your knees or hands touching. The closeness and the touch is often enough to undermine unconscious defensiveness. Furthermore, a few minutes of partner contact lowers blood pressure, cardiovascular reactivity, and levels of cortisol and nor-epinephrine (our stress chemicals) while raising levels of oxytocin, the brain's “cuddle” chemical.21 But if you find it uncomfortable, I suggest that you make that the topic of conversation while you practice the Compassionate Communication exercise. With friends or colleagues, touching may be uncalled for. Instead, the two of you should consciously decide what the “right” distance should be. Even a conversation on this topic can stimulate deeper intimacy.
Once you become proficient at Compassionate Communication, you can relax the “rules” and allow a more normal dialogue to ensue. However, if you remain in a “dialogical” meditative state for thirty minutes or longer, activity in your parietal lobe will probably decrease, and that can lead to a revelatory experience. When parietal activity goes down, the neurological boundaries between “I” and “you” begin to blur and you'll feel more united with each other. Egotism and narcissism will subside, to be replaced by a sense of mutual connection and trust. “You” and “I” turn