How Hard Can It Be_ - Jeremy Clarkson [0]
Motorworld
Jeremy Clarkson’s Hot 100
Jeremy Clarkson’s Planet Dagenham
Born to be Riled
Clarkson on Cars
The World According to Clarkson
I Know You Got Soul
And Another Thing
Don’t Stop Me Now
For Crying Out Loud!
Driven to Distraction
How Hard Can It Be?
The World According to Clarkson
Volume Four
JEREMY CLARKSON
MICHAEL JOSEPH
an imprint of
PENGUIN BOOKS
MICHAEL JOSEPH
Published by the Penguin Group
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First published 2010
Copyright © Jeremy Clarkson, 2010
The moral right of the author has been asserted
All rights reserved
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN: 978-0-14-196025-8
To my children
The contents of this book first appeared in Jeremy Clarkson’s Sunday Times column. Read more about the world according to Clarkson every week in the Sunday Times.
Contents
Clear off, nitwit – I’ll rebuild this hospital
This has been my perfect week
It seems it ain’t art if it ain’t ethnic – Opinion
First, fairy cakes – then welding, kids – Opinion
Oi, state birdbrains – leave our land alone
Give it up, Hamza – you’re too ugly
Skiing through the pain barrier
Bleep off, you’re driving me mad
Oi, shoppers – that’s my petrol
Join me in a saucy oath to Britain
Ruck off, you nancy Aussies
Time to save the world again, lads
Potato heads are talking rot on food
I’d rather hire a dog than a prostitute
Pricking science’s silly sausages
Feed them, or they’ll slash all the seats
A vicious Japanese loo ruined my ah so
Argh! I’ve fallen into a speed trap
It’s just a dumb animal, Mr Oddie
Swim with sharks – it’s easy money
Oi, get your hands off my lap dancers
Dante’s new hell: my work canteen
Look, Mr McChap – you’re part of Britain, so just get over it
Now we’re for it: we’ve stopped behaving badly
Working while on holiday is … wow, just look at that
By ’eck, our funny accents are the envy of the world
Peep in my wife’s knicker drawer and see what you get
Miss Street-Porter, I have a job for you in Cambodia
Hey, let’s live fast and die when ministers tell us to
Don’t let banks lose your money – do it yourself
Fingers on buzzers, you bunch of ignorant twerps
Play it my way, kids, and you’ll save rock’n’roll
Ditch the laptop and suit if you wanna stay alive, Mr Corporate
Take in a prisoner as a lodger and that’s two problems solved
Wake up and smell the coffee – tea is for morons
Into the breach, normal people, and sod the polar bears
The daddy of all idiots at your child’s school sports day
I’m a Tigger, he’s a Piglet, and you must be a Pooh
Sorry, worms, you won’t be getting a piece of me
The BBC’s letting loonies gag me with mink knickers
Ambulance, quick – some idiot’s had a brainwave
Save the high street – ditch bad service and ugly sales