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But the whiteheaded Alfbert, blithely unaware of the resentment it has churned up, continues to speak as the mob rustles ever more agitatedly. “Yes, denizens of Austranius, fabulously unlikely though it may sound, in each PM string there resides meaning. All it takes is to know how to look at the string in the proper way. By using a suitable mapping, one can…”

All at once pandemonium erupts: has the Alfbert not just uttered the despised word “one”, the long-banished name of the most dreaded of all the whole numbers? “Away with the alien! Off with its white head!” screams the infuriated mob, and a moment later, a phalanx of Klüdgerot grabs hold of the declaiming alien. Yet even as it is being dragged away, the pontificating Alfbert patiently insists to the Klüdgerot that it is merely trying to edify them, that it can perceive momentous facts hidden to them by reading the strings in a language of which they are ignorant, and that… But the angered throng drowns out the Alfbert’s grandiose words.

As the brazen alien is being prepared to meet a dire fate, a commotion suddenly breaks out among the Klüdgerot; they have plumb forgotten the age-old and venerated Klüdgerot tradition of holding a Pre-dishing-out-ofdire-fate Banquet! A team is dispatched to pick the sweetest of all PM strings from the Principial Planetary Park of Wööw, a sacred sanctuary into which no Klüdgerot has ever ventured before; when it returns with a fine harvest of succulent strings from Wööw, each of which clearly reads “I am edible”, it is greeted by a hail of thunderous applause. After the Klüdgerot have expressed their gratitude to Göd, the traditional Pre-dishing-out-ofdire-fate Banquet begins, and at last it begins to dawn on the Alfbert that it will indeed meet a dire fate in short order. As this ominous fact takes hold, it feels its white head start to spin, then to swim, and then…

Idealistically attempting to save the unsuspecting Klüdgerot, the ever-magnanimous Alfbert cries out, “Listen, I pray, O friends! Your harvest of PM strings is treacherous! A foolish superstition has tricked you into thinking they are nutritious, but the truth is otherwise. When decoded as messages, these strings all make such grievously false statements about whole numbers that no one — I repeat, no one! — could swallow them.” But the words of warning come too late, for the PM strings from Wööw are already being swallowed whole by the stubbornly superstitious Klüdgerot.

And before long, frightful groans are heard resounding far and near; the sensitive Alfbert shields its gaze from the dreadful event. When at last it dares to look, it beholds a sorry sight; on every side, as far as its sole eye can see, lie lifeless shells of Klüdgerot that but moments ago were carousing their silly heads off. “If only they had listened to me!”, sadly muses the kindly Alfbert, scratching its great white head in puzzlement. On these words, it trundles back to its strange-looking orange spacecraft at the North Pöö, takes one last glance at the bleak Klüdgerot-littered landscape of Austranius, and finally presses the small round “Takeoff” button on the craft’s leatherette dashboard, setting off for destinations unknown.

At this point, the Alfbert, having earlier swooned in terror as the banqueters began their ritual reveling, regains consciousness. First it hears shouts of excitement echoing all around, and then, when it dares to look, it beholds a startling sight; on every side, as far as its sole eye can see, masses of Klüdgerot are staring with unmistakable delight at something moving, somewhere above its white head. It turns to see what this could possibly be, just in time to catch the most fleeting glimpse of a thin shape making a strange, high-pitched rustling sound as it rapidly plummets towards —

Brief Debriefing

I offer my apologies to the late Ambrose Bierce for this rather feeble imitation of the plot of his masterful short story “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge”, but my intentions are good. The raison d’être of my rather flippant allegory