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In Marilyn: An Untold Story, Norman Rosten recalled Marilyn Monroe’s hatred of being alone. Without people constantly around her, she would fall into a void, “endless and terrifying.”24

For most of us, solitude is longed for, cherished, a rare opportunity to reflect on memories and matters important to our well-being—a chance to get back in touch with ourselves, to rediscover who we are: “The walls of an empty room are mirrors that double and redouble our sense of ourselves,” the late John Updike wrote in The Centaur.

But the borderline, with only the weakest sense of self, looks back at only vacant reflections. Solitude recapitulates the panic that the borderline experienced as a child when faced with the prospect of abandonment by parents: Who will take care of me? The pain of loneliness can only be relieved by the rescue of a fantasized lover, as expressed in the lyrics of countless love songs.

The Relentless Search for Mr./Ms. Right

Criterion 2. Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, with marked shifts in attitudes toward others (from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others.

The borderline’s unstable relationships are directly related to his intolerance of separation and fear of intimacy. The borderline is typically dependent, clinging, and idealizing until the lover, spouse, or friend repels or frustrates these needs with some sort of rejection or indifference, then the borderline caroms to the other extreme—devaluation, resistance to intimacy, and outright avoidance. A continual tug-of-war develops between the wish to merge and be taken care of, on the one hand, and the fear of engulfment, on the other. For the borderline, engulfment means the obliteration of separate identity, the loss of autonomy, and a feeling of nonexistence. The borderline vacillates between a desire for closeness to relieve the emptiness and boredom, and fear of intimacy, which is perceived as the thief of self-confidence and independence.

In relationships, these internal feelings are dramatically translated into intense, shifting, manipulative couplings. The borderline often makes unrealistic demands of others, appearing to observers as spoiled. Manipulativeness is manifested through physical complaints and hypochondriasis, expressions of weakness and helplessness, provocative actions, and masochistic behaviors. Suicidal threats or gestures are often used to obtain attention and rescue. The borderline may use seduction as a manipulative strategy, even with someone known to be inappropriate and inaccessible, such as a therapist or minister.

Though very sensitive to others, the borderline lacks true empathy. He may be dismayed to encounter an acquaintance, such as teacher, coworker, or therapist, outside of his usual place of business because it is difficult to conceive of that person as having a separate life. Furthermore, he may not understand or be extremely jealous of his therapist’s separate life, or even of other patients he may encounter.

The borderline lacks “object constancy,” the ability to understand others as complex human beings who nonetheless can relate in consistent ways. The borderline experiences another on the basis of his most recent encounter, rather than on a broader-based, consistent series of interactions. Therefore, a constant, predictable perception of another person never emerges—the borderline, as if afflicted with a kind of targeted amnesia, continues to respond to that person as someone new on each occasion.

Because of the borderline’s inability to see the big picture, to learn from previous mistakes, and to observe patterns in his own behavior, he often repeats destructive relationships. A female borderline, for example, will typically return to her abusive ex-husband, who proceeds to abuse her again; a male borderline frequently couples with similar, inappropriate women with whom he repeats sadomasochistic affiliations. Since the borderline’s dependency is often disguised