I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [21]
Later, Marilyn found sustenance in acting, particularly in “the Method”:
Actors in the Method will act out; their technique is designed like psychoanalysis itself, to release emotional lava, and thereby enable the actor to become acquainted with his depths, then possess them enough to become possessed by his role. A magical transaction. We can think of Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. To be possessed by a role is satori (or intuitive illumination) for an actor because one’s identity can feel whole so long as one is living in the role. 26
The borderline’s struggle in establishing a consistent identity is related to a prevailing sense of inauthenticity—a constant sense of “faking it.” Most of us experience this sensation at various times in our lives. When one starts a new job, for example, one tries to exude an air of knowledge and confidence. After gaining experience, the confidence becomes increasingly genuine because one has learned the system and no longer needs to fake it. As Kurt Vonnegut wrote, “We are what we pretend to be.” Or, as some phrase it, “Fake it ’til you make it.”
The borderline never reaches that point of confidence. He continues to feel like he is faking it and is terrified that he will, sooner or later, be “found out.” This is particularly true when the borderline achieves some kind of success—it feels misplaced, undeserved.
This chronic sense of being a fake or sham probably originates in childhood. As explored in chapter 3, the pre-borderline often grows up feeling inauthentic due to various environmental circumstances—suffering physical or sexual abuse or being forced to adopt an adult’s role while still a child or to parent his own sick parent. At the other extreme, he may be discouraged from maturing and separating, and may be trapped in a dependent child’s role, well past an appropriate time for separation. In all of these situations, the borderline never develops a separate sense of self but continues to “fake” a role that is prescribed by someone else. (“He never chooses an opinion,” was how Leo Tolstoy described one of his characters, “he just wears whatever happens to be in style.”) If he fails in the role, he fears he will be punished; if he succeeds, he is sure he will soon be uncovered as a fraud and be humiliated.
Unrealistic attempts at achieving a state of perfection are often part of the borderline pattern. For example, a borderline anorexic might try to maintain a constant low weight and become horrified if it varies as little as one pound, unaware that this expectation is unrealistic. Perceiving themselves as static, rather than in a dynamic state of change, borderlines may view any variation from this inflexible self-image as shattering.
Conversely, the borderline may search for satisfaction in the opposite direction—by frequently changing jobs, careers, goals, friends, sometimes even gender. By altering external situations and making drastic changes in lifestyle, he hopes to achieve inner contentment. Some instances of so-called midlife crisis or male menopause represent an extreme attempt to ward off fears of mortality or deal with disappointments in life choices. An adolescent borderline may constantly change his clique of friends—from “jocks” to “burnouts” to “brains” to “geeks”—hoping to achieve a sense of belonging and acceptance. Even sexual identity can be a source of confusion for the borderline. Some writers have noted an increased incidence