I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [34]
Norman Mailer described the effect of an absent parent on Marilyn Monroe, who never knew her father. Though his absence would contribute to her emotional instability in later life, it would also ironically be one of the motivating forces in her career:
Great actors usually discover they have a talent by first searching in desperation for an identity. It is no ordinary identity that will suit them, and no ordinary desperation can drive them. The force that propels a great actor in his youth is insane ambition. Illegitimacy and insanity are the godparents of the great actor. A child who is missing either parent is a study in the search for identity and quickly becomes a candidate for actor (since the most creative way to discover a new and possible identity is through the close fit of a role).8
Similarly, Princess Diana, rejected by her mother and reared by a cold, withdrawn father, exhibited similar characteristics. “I always used to think that Diana would make a very good actress because she would play out any role she chose,” said her former nanny, Mary Clarke.9
Raised in an orphanage during many years of her early childhood, Marilyn had to learn to survive with a minimum of love and attention. It was her self-image that suffered the most and led to her manipulative behavior with lovers later in life. For Diana, her “deep feelings of unworthiness” (in the eulogizing words of her brother, Charles) hindered her relationships with men. “I’d always kept [boyfriends] away, thought they were all trouble—and I couldn’t handle it emotionally. I was very screwed up, I thought.”10
Not all children who are traumatized or abused become borderline adults, of course; nor do all borderline adults have a history of trauma or abuse. Further, most studies on the effects of childhood trauma are based on inferences from adult reports and not on longitudinal studies that follow young children through to adulthood. Finally, other studies have demonstrated less extreme forms of abuse in the histories of borderlines, particularly neglect (sometimes from the father) and a rigid, tight marital bond that excludes adequate protection and support for the child.11,12,13 Nevertheless, the large amount of anecdotal and statistical evidence demonstrates a link between various forms of abuse, neglect, and BPD.
Nature Versus Nurture
The “nature-nurture” question is, of course, a long-standing and controversial one that applies to many aspects of human behavior. Is one afflicted with BPD because of a biological destiny inherited from parents—or because of the way parents handled—or mishandled—upbringing? Do the biochemical and neurological signs of the disorder cause the illness—or are they caused by the illness? Why do some people develop BPD in spite of an apparently healthy upbringing? Why do others, burdened with a background filled with trauma and abuse, not develop it?
These “chicken-or-egg” dilemmas can lead to false assumptions. For example, one might conclude, based on developmental theories, that the causal direction is strictly downward; that is, an aloof, detached mother would produce an insecure borderline child. But the relationship might be more complex, more interactive than that: a colicky, unresponsive, unattractive infant may generate disappointment and detachment in the mother. Regardless of which comes first, both continue to interact and perpetuate interpersonal patterns, which may endure over many years and extend to other relationships The mitigating effects of other factors—a supportive father, accepting family and friends, superior education, physical and mental abilities—will help determine the ultimate emotional health of the individual.
Though no evidence supports a specific BPD gene, humans may inherit chromosomal vulnerabilities