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’s fragile merger with these other people eventually disintegrates when the relationship is unable to sustain the weight of his unrealistic expectations. Without clearly stated Truth and confrontation, the borderline continues to be overly entangled with others. His needs gratified, the borderline will insist that all is well or, at least, that things will get better. Indeed, the evidence for this enmeshment is often a striking, temporary absence of conflict: The borderline will exhibit less hostility and anger. However, when his unrealistic expectations are eventually frustrated, the relationship collapses in a fiery maelstrom of anger and disappointment.

FIGURE 5-4

Borderline Dilemmas

The SET-UP principles can be used in a variety of settings in attempts to defuse unstable situations. Following are some typical borderline predicaments in which the SET strategy may be used.

Damned If You Do, and Damned If You Don’t

Borderline confusion often results in contradictory messages to others. Frequently, the borderline will communicate one position with words, but express a contradictory message with behavior. Although the borderline may not be consciously aware of this dilemma, he frequently places a friend or relation in a no-win situation in which the other person is condemned no matter which way he goes.

CASE 1: GLORIA AND ALEX. Gloria tells her husband Alex that she is forlorn and depressed. She says she plans to kill herself but forbids him from seeking help for her.

In this situation, Alex is confronted with two contradictory messages: (1) Gloria’s overt message, which essentially states, “If you care about me, you will respect my wishes and not challenge my autonomy to control my own destiny and even die, if I choose”; and (2) the opposite message, conveyed in the very act of announcing her intentions, which says, “For God’s sake, if you care about me, help me, and don’t let me die.”

If Alex ignores Gloria’s statements, she will accuse him of being cold and uncaring. If he attempts to list reasons why she should not kill herself, she will frustrate him with relentless counter-arguments and will ultimately condemn him for not truly understanding her pain. If he calls the police or her doctor, he will be rejecting her requests and proving that she cannot trust him.

Because Gloria doesn’t feel strong enough to take responsibility for her own life, she looks to Alex to take on this burden. She feels overwhelmed and helpless in the wake of her depression. By drawing Alex into this drama, she is making him a character in her own scripted play, with an uncertain ending to be resolved not by herself, but by Alex. She faces her ambivalence about suicide by turning over to him the responsibility for her fate.

Further, Gloria splits off the negative portions of her available choices and projects them onto Alex, preserving for herself the positive side of the ambivalence. No matter how Alex responds, he will be criticized. If he does not actively intercede, he is uncaring and heartless and she is “tragically misunderstood.” If he tries to stop her suicide attempts, he is controlling and insensitive, while she is bereft of her self-respect.

Either way, Gloria envisions herself a helpless and self-righteous martyr—a victim who has been deprived by Alex of achieving her full potential. As for Alex, he is damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t!

SET-UP principles may be helpful in confronting a difficult situation like this. Ideally, Alex’s responses should embrace all three sides of the SET triangle. Alex’s S statement should be a declaration of his commitment to Gloria and his wish to help her: “I am very concerned about how bad you are feeling and want to help because I love you.” If the couple can identify the specific areas of concern that are adding to her anguish, he could suggest solutions and proclaim his willingness to help: “I think some of this might be related to the problems you’ve been having with your boss. Let’s discuss some of the alternatives. Maybe you could ask for a transfer. Or if the job is