I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [64]
Coworkers will be most comfortable with the borderline when they recognize his tendency to see the world as black or white and accept his need for well-defined structure. They should avoid “kidding around” with him and stay away from “good-natured” mocking, which the borderline may often misconstrue. It may be helpful to intercede if the borderline becomes the target of others’ jokes. Frequent compliments for good work, and matter-of-fact, non-condemning recognition of mistakes with suggestions for improvement can aid the borderline’s functioning in the workplace.
Similarly, when the borderline is in an executive position, it is important for employees to recognize and learn to deal with his black-or-white thinking. Employees should learn to expect and accept his changeability with a minimum of hurt feelings. They should avoid entanglement in logical arguments, because consistency may not always be possible for the borderline. They should look for allies elsewhere in the organization to provide reliable feedback and evaluations.
Playing with the Borderline
At play the borderline is typically unpredictable and sometimes very disconcerting. He may have great difficulty with recreation and play with a seriousness that is out of proportion to the relaxed nature of the activity. He may be your newly assigned tennis doubles partner who at first seems nice enough, but as the game goes on becomes increasingly frustrated and angry. Though you continually remind him that “it’s just a game,” he may stomp around, curse himself, throw the racket, and swear to give up the sport. He may be your son’s Little League coach who works well with the kids, but suddenly becomes wildly abusive to the teenage umpire or angrily humiliating to his own son—seen as an extension of himself—who strikes out with the bases loaded. Although these examples may describe borderline-like traits in some people who in fact are not borderline, when these behaviors are extreme or represent a consistent pattern, they may be indications of a true borderline personality.
The borderline’s intensity interferes with his ability to relax and have fun. Others’ attempts at humor may frustrate him and make him angry. It is virtually impossible “to kid him out of it.” If you elect to continue playing tennis with your borderline partner, judicious use of SET-UP principles may make the experience more tolerable.
The Maturing Borderline
Higher functioning adult borderlines who do not fully recover may still have successful careers, assume traditional family roles, and have a cadre of friends and support systems. They may live generally satisfactory lives within their own separate corner of existence, despite recurrent frustrations with themselves and others who inhabit that niche.
Lower functioning borderlines, however, have more difficulty maintaining a job and friends, and may lack family and support systems; they may inhabit lonelier and more desperate “black holes” within their own personal universe.
Common to most borderlines is an element of unpredictability and erratic behavior. It may be more obvious in the lonely, isolated individual, but those who know the contented family man well can also detect inconsistencies in his behavior that belie the superficial rationality. At work, even the borderline who is a successful businessman or professional may be known by those working closely with him to be a bit strange, even if they can’t quite localize what it is that projects that aura of imbalance.
As many borderlines grow older, they may “mellow out.” Impulsivity, mood swings, and self-destructive behaviors seem to diminish in dramatic intensity. This pattern might be an objective reflection of change or a subjective evaluation of those living or working with the borderline; the borderline’s friends and lovers may have adjusted to his erratic actions over time and no longer notice or respond to the outrageousness.