I Hate You--Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman [96]
Of course, no one is completely “centered” all the time. It is important to identify each line in which change is desired and locate one’s position on that line in relation to the middle. Change then becomes a process of knowing where you are and how far you want to go toward the middle. Except at the extreme ends, no particular locus is intrinsically “better” or “worse” than another. It is a matter of knowing oneself (locating oneself on the line) and moving in the adaptive direction.
FIGURE 10-1. Personality as a series of intersecting lines.
For example, if we isolate the “caring for others” line (see Figure 10-2), one end (“self-sacrificing over-concern”) represents the point where concern for others interferes with taking care of oneself; such a person may need to dedicate himself totally to others in order to feel worthwhile. This position may be perceived as a kind of “selfish unselfishness,” because such a person’s “caring” is based on subconscious self-interest. At the other end (“don’t give a damn”) is a person who has little regard for others, who only “looks out for number one.” In the middle is a kind of balance—a combination of concern for others and the obligation to take care of one’s own needs as well. A person whose compassion trait resides in this middle zone recognizes that only by taking care of his own important needs first can he hope to help others, a kind of “unselfish selfishness.”
FIGURE 10-2. The “caring for others” personality trait line.
Change occurs when one acquires the awareness to objectively place oneself on the spectrum and then compensate by adjusting behavior in a direction toward the middle. An individual who realistically locates his present position to the left of the midpoint would try to say “no” to others more often and generally attempt to be more assertive. One who places himself to the right of the midpoint would compensate toward the middle by choosing a course of action that is more sensitive to the needs of others. This position reflects the admonitions of the ancient scholar Hillel—“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?”
Of course, no one resides “in the middle” all the time; one must constantly adjust his position on the line, balancing the teeter-totter when it tilts too far in one direction or the other.
Practicing Change
True change requires more than experimenting with isolated attempts to alter automatic reflexes; it involves replacing old behaviors with new ones that eventually become as natural and comfortable as the old ones. It is more than quietly stealing away from the hostile dog; it is learning how to make friends with that dog and take it for a walk.
Early on, such changes are usually uncomfortable. To use an analogy, a tennis player may decide that his unreliable backhand is in need of refinement. So he embarks on a series of tennis lessons to improve his stroke. The new techniques that he learns to improve his game initially yield poor results. The new style is not as comfortable as his old stroke. He is tempted to revert to his previous technique. Only after continuous practice is he able to eradicate his prior bad habits and instill the more effective and eventually more comfortable “muscle memory.” Likewise, psychological change requires the adoption of new reflexes to replace old ones. Only after persistent practice can such a substitution effectively, comfortably, and therefore permanently occur.
Learning How to Limp
If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a