I Just Want You to Know_ Letters to My Kids on Love, Faith, and Family - Kate Gosselin [51]
I also have to remind myself that while I’ve taken every safety precaution possible, their safety is still not 100 percent guaranteed. I learned quickly when I was pregnant with the six that ultimately I have to trust God. I can’t control the outcome, but I do pray constantly for God’s protection. When they’re on the school bus, I pray for them. When I’m out of town, I pray for them. When they’re driving in the car with other people or in someone else’s care, I pray for them.
And now that I can let go and trust God for my kids’ safety, I can look back fondly on those past few years we lived at that house with the red door on Andrew Avenue. I learned quite a bit there, and those lessons are the foundation we’re building our life on now.
I’ve learned how to better control my drama and how to handle things differently. I don’t let every little thing bother me anymore. When we first moved into that house, if someone spilled a glass of milk, it would send me over the edge and ruin my day. Now I don’t even blink. I hand the mess-maker a paper towel and move on.
Overall my perspective on what is really important has changed. And I’d like to think these changes are for the better and will continue to help me deal with whatever comes my way. I’d also like to think that these changes set a positive example for my kids when they see me navigating the unexpected twists and turns of life that come my way daily.
Letter to Joel
Dear Joel,
My sweet, quiet boy, you were born last but certainly not least!
At fourteen weeks, at my routine ultrasound appointment, I learned that you were a boy—making Daddy and I both very happy because you were the first, and quite possibly as far as we knew at that time, our only boy. It wasn’t until weeks later that we learned we were having three boys—and three girls too! However, I remember that day well. I pondered all day and the rest of the week the fact that I was carrying my first baby boy as one of my six babies! It was such a novel idea after having your big sisters.
You spent your twenty-nine weeks and five days on the top right side of my belly. You were positioned on top of Collin. At the time, he didn’t seem to mind and neither did you.. Directly across from you was Leah. You and Leah had the best real estate in my opinion. Early on, I discovered that I was most comfortable lying on my right side, so that meant that although you had space originally, in reality you were pretty squooshed! Sorry, Joely!
It all turned out okay because you, my last baby ever, were born on May 10, 2004, at 7:53 in the morning. You were nothing but pure gorgeousness when I first laid eyes on you, just eight hours after your birth. In fact, I recall being very startled at the sight of you because I had never seen a baby that looked so very much like his daddy before.
In the days to come, your favorite NICU nurse, Heidi, would write messages on the tape that kept your feeding tube in place. This tape was attached to the area around your mouth, so it was as if you were actually saying, “I love you, Mommy and Daddy.” That really melted my heart because I loved you so much! I love you that much, and more, today.
As I’ve watched you grow into yourself, I am glad that I “won” the battle of your name. I really had to plead with Daddy for a “Joel” and now I can’t imagine calling you anything else! You’re Joel, Joely, and sometimes even Joely Man! The latter reminds me of your stuffed animal “Doggy Man” that you named all by yourself when you were two. The funny thing is, Doggy Man isn’t very manly at all. The poor little gray doggy (I think he’s a Scottie dog, maybe?) came wearing a predominantly pink and purple girly sweater. Poor guy, but you two became fast friends and you love him just the same.
Speaking of men, you are becoming one right before my eyes! You have already shown your ability to protect me and your sisters,