I, Partridge - Alan Partridge [103]
I decided not to devote too much of my time to Forward Solutions™, instead choosing to concentrate on my radio show. I quietly laid the programme to rest. I’d helped enough for one lifetime …
And Alvin? Hmmm. I had a funny feeling, he’d be aaaa-okay.
233 For those on a limited budget. The least I could do.
234 Press play on Track 40.
235 Of course, he didn’t always get it right. Turning water into wine at a wedding isn’t just showing off, it’s irresponsible. As a miracle, it just doesn’t work on any level. Impressing people who are already drunk, by magicking up more wine to get them pissed – how is that holy? That’s what I’d ask the Pope if I met him. By the way, I’m not knocking God. He’s a powerful man. Think about the recent earthquakes and tsunamis – he really does knock Al-Qaeda for six when it comes to killing the most number of people. For that alone, he deserves a quiet respect. That’s why I never blaspheme.
236 God, I’d love to live in Chipping Norton. Brooks, Cameron, Clarkson, a Murdoch, quaffing champers and laughing our heads off at everyone else. Brilliant.
237 I really hadn’t wanted to do this, because I only had socks on. My assistant had taken my shoes to clean.
238 To help you understand what I mean, imagine a place where you’d have a market, then imagine it’s very busy, or crowded.
239 Alan Partridge.
240 See, that’s another example of Forward Solutions™. I was stranded, bereft of hope (thanks to the lack of professionalism of Swaffham Vauxhalls). Did I spend three hours sitting on the kerb crying about it? No. A quivering lip gave way to strong, decisive action. I sought help by standing in the highway wielding a jack. There was no way she was driving past. No way.
241 I can hear all the PC brigade: ‘Oh no, homosexuals never attack anyone, they just prance around Hampstead Heath picking flowers!’ Get real – Dennis Nilsen, Jeff Dahmer, Boy George.
242 I’d remembered their names and kept using them again and again. It’s a devastating technique, later stolen by Nick Clegg.
243 The publishers specifically asked me not to.
244 And vife verfa! LOL.
245 Thankfully the poor sound quality of the Radnor mic meant that all the audience could hear was her calling me a ‘petty little suckwit’. Which is meaningless.
Chapter 32
North Norfolk Digital246
FREQUENCY MODULATION? WE’VE ALL heard of it. We all admire it. We all respect it. But what exactly is it?
You’re the flippin’ radio expert, Partridge! You tell us!
Well, off the top of my head: In telecommunications and signal processing, frequency modulation (FM) conveys information over a carrier wave by varying its instantaneous frequency.
And I think I’m right in saying: This is in contrast with amplitude modulation, in which the amplitude of the carrier is varied while its frequency remains constant.
Yes, it seems to me that: In analog applications, the difference between the instantaneous and the base frequency of the carrier is directly proportional to the instantaneous value of the input signal amplitude. Digital data can be sent by shifting the carrier’s frequency among a set of discrete values, a technique known as frequency-shift keying.
And I’m just riffing here but: While it is an over-simplification, a baseband modulated signal may be approximated by a sinusoidal Continuous Wave signal with a frequency fm. The harmonic distribution of a sine wave carrier modulated by such a sinusoidal signal can be represented with Bessel functions – this provides a basis for a mathematical understanding of frequency modulation in the frequency domain.
Oh, and: In radio systems, frequency modulation with sufficient bandwidth provides an advantage in cancelling naturally occurring noise.[citation needed]
So that’s pretty much all I know. I’m sure there’s more on the subject but I’d have to look it up.
What I think we can all say for certain is that FM was, at one time, the Gold Standard for UK radio. If you weren’t on FM, you were nothing!247 But today the opposite is true.248
Now, FM is considered