I, Partridge - Alan Partridge [116]
Dozens of eyeballs peer at me, thousands of ears strain to hear. I lean towards the mic and finally, finally, I speak:282
‘This is Alan Partridge with Mid-Morning Matters. And on the day that 67-year-old Norwich resident Mary Leese has woken from a three-year coma, we’ll be asking – what’s the best night’s sleep you’ve ever had?
‘We’re also looking at the law and asking: are you legally allowed to draw a line down the back of a photograph and use it as a postcard? Now, though, the best band ever to come out of Liverpool – it is, of course, China Crisis.’
A deafening roar goes up around the station as people realise I’ve shelved my retirement plans. I go to shield my ears from the noise, but suddenly an ecstatic throng of well-wishers is flooding into the studio. As two oldish receptionists struggle to lift me on to their shoulders, dozens of others reach over and hug me (although there is absolutely no physical contact between myself and my assistant).
Instantly everything feels right again. I am back where I belong. I am I, Partridge.
So, dear reader, our time together is over. All that remains is this short epilogue. And anyone who thinks it’s designed solely to haul me over the minimum word-count specified by my publisher is very, very, very, very, very, very wrong.
Instead it’s a chance for us to reflect. Having read this book I’d like to think you’ve come to know me a bit better. Because in a funny kind of way I feel like I’ve come to know you. Shall we be friends? Yes, I think we shall. In a spiritual sense anyway, please don’t come to the house.
It’s my belief that in the previous 309 pages we’ve been on a journey – literally in the case of those reading this on the train or bus, less so for those on the sofa, in bed, or reading aloud to a blind friend or lover.
Now, however, as I ask that you play track 46,283 the time has come to bid you farewell. I have been through much in my life. I have scaled the highest highs284 and I have plumbed the lowest depths.285 And though I sit here today with a heavy heart and a weary soul, my eyes still burn brightly. They burn for a better tomorrow, for a world without famine and war and the BBC. But more than anything they burn for a million-plus sales of the hardback version of I, Partridge: We Need to Talk about Alan.
269 A bit less if I go to the toilet before I weigh.
270 North Norfolk’s best music mix.
271 North Norfolk.
272 Starring Charles Dance as Alan Partridge, and sound-tracked by ‘You Can Call Me Al’ by Paul Simon, which I think is quite cheesy but still good.
273 Press play on Track 43.
274 Me: sprained. Him: cut, fat, drunk.
275 Answer: a few seconds.
276 Press play on Track 44.
277 Patch of ground approximately where a tree once was.
278 North Norfolk’s best music mix.
279 North Norfolk’s best music mix.
280 Press play on Track 45.
281 Minutes.
282 At this point Track 45 should really kick in. If not, you’re not reading at the right pace. Re-read the section and back time the start of the song to the right point (if you can be arsed).
283 Press play on Track 46. When it comes to an end, the book is finished.
284 Witnessing the birth of my first child, witnessing the birth of my second child, marriage, getting my first job with the BBC, finding out that Knowing Me Knowing You had been commissioned for radio, finding out that Knowing Me Knowing You had been commissioned for TV, securing a lucrative deal to be the face of military-based quiz show Skirmish on UK Conquest, being awarded a Burton’s Gold Card.
285 Dundee.
Tracklisting
1. Theme from Harry’s Game – Clannad
2. Down in the Park – Tubeway Army
3. Nights in White Satin – Moody Blues
4. Anything by Keane
5. Smalltown Boy – Bronski Beat
6. Thank God I’m a Country Boy – John Denver
7. First Time Ever I Saw Your Face – Roberta Flack
8. Fernando – Abba
9. Poppa Joe – The Sweet
10. Jump – Van Halen
11. Theme to Ski Sunday
12. Solsbury Hill – Peter Gabriel
13. Tusk – Fleetwood Mac
14. Love Is a Battlefield – Pat Benatar
15. Amateur Hour – Sparks
16.