I, Partridge - Alan Partridge [78]
One can hardly imagine a quintessentially 21st-century lady like Carol Vorderman allowing her lady breasts to become sodden solely for the amusement of the nation’s sell-through-video-buying public. Not that it wouldn’t be a pleasant sight. The last thing I want to do is cause Mrs Vorderman any offence. I’ve absolutely no doubt that her chest is every bit as impressive and accurate as her maths.
175 Not even Mrs Kelly.
176 They sort that out in the dub.
177 This pun will become more enjoyable as the paragraph progresses.
178 See?
179 The previous week I had got myself caught up in a row with the local farming community over some comments I may or may not have made (I did make them) about intensive farming techniques. For the record I’d like to say once again that these comments were made in the heat of the moment and that I fully and categorically retract many of them. And actually, issues of slander aside (remember the slush fund mentioned above), it made for some scintillating radio.
180 I’ll get to that! Calm down.
181 For overseas readers not familiar with Doctor Who, the Tardis is a very small police station that can travel through time.
Chapter 25
Marching On: Skirmish
A HUSH DESCENDED OVER the studio. I took a breath and spoke.
‘You have two phosphorous bombs, a confiscated IED, two fin-stabilised mortars and a German MG3 machine gun with a full magazine. The target is a missile silo. What are you opting to play with?’
‘Phosphorous bomb, please.’
‘I can tell you that the silo is adjacent to a hospital. Play or rearm?’
‘Play.’
‘He’s gone for play, which means this is a high-risk question. Your topic is American sitcoms. Get this wrong and you wipe out the hospital and are back down to £100. Get it right and the dishwasher is yours …’
Well, any viewer of UK Conquest/serious fans of dishwashers knows what happened next and I won’t spoil the excitement for others by revealing it now. Suffice to say that all 208 episodes of military-based quiz Skirmish are available on DVD, and they definitely bear rewatching.
The format was absorbing, high-brow but brilliantly simple: players would vie to complete fictional or historical military operations with the fewest casualties, answering general knowledge questions to gain territorial advantage, tot up Gung-ho Points or accrue weaponry. I’d honestly never been this excited about a format since Noel Edmonds sat me down with a pen and paper and explained the winning strategy for Deal or No Deal.182
The attention to military detail was second to none, with our armed forces consultant Dave Harrier free to work full-time for the show after his dishonourable discharge from the Scots Guards. It lent the show a quite terrifying realism which in turn gave us wonderful moments of drama. Although never aired, the tension on Celebrity Skirmish was such that Yvette Fielding soiled herself.
Skirmish, then, was a runaway success, on a good day achieving its target regional digital optional share of 2% of the regional digital available audience, which is eight thousand people.
It was a new stage of my career. A new show, on a new channel and time I felt to experiment with a new look – not least because I was starting to swell grotesquely in weight. So I began to grow a beard, going so far as to invest in a miniature comb and a gentle wax. I’m told that Matthew Kelly uses conditioner on his but that felt stupid to me. I did order a quality beard trimmer, though – recommended on Eric Clapton’s website.
The facial hair didn’t last long of course. As well as causing an itch that called for perpetual and frenzied scratching, it wasn’t to everyone’s taste. Plus, Bill Oddie threw a tantrum when he heard I was growing it and sent me a very, very curt letter.
No matter, I was back on the telly, and things were better than ever. Better than ever? Come off it, Partridge. Yes, better than ever, so shut your mouth. It was better because it was TV without the restrictive, choking, stifling, suffocating bureaucracy and creativity-aborting compliance