I, Partridge - Alan Partridge [84]
I TOOK SOME TIME out after Dundee. People were very nice. Sue Cook called and offered to take me to the zoo one day. She never actually turned up but then she never does. That’s just Sue, as she always says.
Bill Oddie was a real rock too. When he found out Sue had let me down, he swiftly agreed to come along in her place. We had a nice drive over there (he uses one of those booster seats so he can see over the steering wheel) but later in the day, when we went into the aviary, he seemed to tense up. A cloud seemed to descend. I pressed him on it.
‘Are you alright, Bill?’ I asked, as a bird of paradise landed on my head.
‘Fine,’ he grunted unconvincingly, as I shoved it away again.
‘Well you don’t seem fine,’ I retorted, swirling my arms around my hand to try to keep the bird at bay.
He looked me in the eye. ‘All these people watching birds without using binoculars.’
‘What about them?’
‘It’s cheating.’ And with that, the bird-mad Goodie strode off, partly because he was angry and partly because he only had five minutes to get over to the other side of the zoo for the seal performance.
Other people were there for me too. My assistant would pop round to the house every day to drop off food, do the dishes, flush the loo (I tended to forget). At my lowest point, she also offered to help me shower. But even with my swimming trunks on I think that would have been a bit weird.
Although technically my employee, I knew that she was doing all this as a friend, and that meant a lot. She came round so often, I’m surprised she had time to get any actual work done, and I think it was that as much as anything else that forced me to drop her down to a part-time wage for a while.
I did a lot of crying as well. I’m not ashamed to say that now, but at the time I found ways to hide it. Mainly by doing the bulk of it in the shower. That way people can’t say what’s tears and what’s just hot water. Same applies in the bath. Just hold your breath, stick your head under and let the grief flood out. You’d be surprised how much better you feel.
To this day I still use Short-Burst Underwater Crying for all sorts of problems. I wouldn’t cry at, say, an unexpectedly large MOT bill. But if I’d received an unexpectedly large MOT bill, combined with the death of a good friend, plus I hadn’t eaten that day, then I might well weep.
I developed a complementary technique called Controlled Anger-Release Splashing, though it should only be used as a measure of last resort, and you will need to mop up afterwards.
Against the express wishes of Bill Oddie, I also tried therapy. It wasn’t for me though. I didn’t want someone to pick and prod at my troubled mind like a shopper fingering a piece of fruit in the supermarket. I wanted something that would allow my soul to heal in its own sweet time. And that’s why I took up pony-trekking.200
It all stemmed from someone telling me I’d feel better if I exercised. They’d suggested jogging, but what appealed about pony-trekking was that you were basically in charge of a vehicle/being. Also, horses don’t complain. They don’t criticise you about viewing figures, play hard-ball over budgets or fail to re-commission your show. Plus they’re grateful for a sugar cube.
I’d had a little experience of horses previously, not least on Knowing Me Knowing You. Show-jumper Sue Lewis had been a guest and had come on the show with her horse (see picture section). And I must say it made for pretty pleasing television until she shat on the floor (the horse).
But yes, clambering aboard my horse, Treacle, really was just what the Doc ordered. Mottled grey and measuring a good 15 hands, you could tell that she just ‘got’ me. I truly found peace in the gentle side-to-side bob of her trot, the quiet swoosh of her tail and the tender plippety-plop-plop of her shit hitting the dirt.
It wasn’t all plain-sailing, though. Probably my lowest ever equine moment was when we were out one day and I fell badly off the pace. Soon I was totally lost. I began to panic. In an effort to relocate the rest of the riders I’d taken a short-cut across