I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas - Lewis Black [0]
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Introduction
’TIS THE SEASON
THANKSGIVING
THE HOOKER AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER
CHRISTMAS MORNING - The Sun Rises on Our Hapless but (Somewhat) Hopeful Hero
IT IS BETTER TO GIVE . . .
CHRISTMAS DAY, 11 : 07 A.M. - Dashing Through the Shower, Losing My Mind Along ...
WE INTERRUPT THIS BOOK TO BRING YOU A MAJOR CATASTROPHE
CHRISTMAS DAY, HIGH NOON - If Clothes Make the Man,Then Why Don’t We All Dress ...
CHRISTMAS DAY, 1:00 P.M.
CHRISTMAS DAY, 1:15 P.M.
MEDITATIONS OF A JEWISH SANTA
CHRISTMAS DAY, 1:45 P.M. - Here Comes the Old Giftless Jew!
CHRISTMAS DAY, 2:00 P.M. - 6,500 Calories, Not Counting the Three Bottles of Wine
CHRISTMAS DAY, 5:30 P.M. - If It’s Really over the River and Through the Woods, ...
CHRISTMAS DAY, 6:00 P.M. - Outeating the Christians; or, Is a 10,000-Calorie ...
CHRISTMAS, 11:45 P.M. - Another Christmas Comes to an End, and Our Hero ...
AN ABNORMAL APPENDIX - The Chairman’s USO Holiday Tour
Acknowledgements
ALSO BY LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
Nothing’s Sacred
Riverhead Books
a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
New York 2010
RIVERHEAD BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA •
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) •
Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England • Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd) •
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Copyright © 2010 by Lewis Black
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights.
Purchase only authorized editions. Published simultaneously in Canada
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Black, Lewis, date.
I’m dreaming of a black Christmas / Lewis Black. p. cm.
eISBN : 978-1-101-44499-3
1. Christmas—Humor. 2. American wit and humor. I. Title.
PN6231.C36B
814’.6—dc22
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication.
Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
http://us.penguingroup.com
To my mentors:
George Carlin , Kurt Vonnegut, Professor William Geer,
and my uncle, Julius Kaplan
INTRODUCTION
The Uplifting and Heartfelt Story of How This Book Came to Be
No, your eyes are not deceiving you. This is a book about Christmas (or the “holiday season,” if you’re deranged enough that you have to call it that), written by your old friend, the essence of the Christmas Spirit, Mr. Mirth himself, me.
How did this come to pass? How did this glorious miracle occur? What star in the East was seen by yours truly that inspired him to write this book?
Well, now, there’s a story.
Every memorable Christmas story has its beginnings in the yearnings of the heart. Not mine, of course. But somebody else’s. I have naps to take, after all. In truth, Dear Reader, it wasn’t my idea to subject you to my deepest, most personal feelings about this time of year. I know better than that.
A while ago I was having lunch with my editor, who