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So as I lie there, supine, pondering my failure to create a life beyond my own, yelling at the world around me, I wonder how do I prevent myself from wallowing in a stew of self-pity. What should I do? I need catharsis. Do I weep copious tears? Do I induce electroshock with a hair dryer in the shower? Do I go online and find a Russian mail-order bride with a baby?

No.

I lay there, snug in my bed, and wonder what the fuck Santa got me for Christmas. For starters, I hope I get an at-home DNA kit. I am definitely never going through that shit again.

IT IS BETTER TO GIVE . . .

I’ve always been deeply impressed by the way you Christians pour it on at Christmas. It may have all started with a little incense and myrrh, but you took that basic idea and went apeshit with it. Everybody gets tons of presents: boxes from one end of the house to the other, enough to shelter an entire homeless village. All festooned (this is the only time you’d ever think of using that word) in paper of every imaginable color, with rainbows of ribbon and bows bedecking them. If that weren’t enough, you stuff stockings with even more gifts, from chocolates to penknives. (I could never get my parents to buy me a penknife.) Everybody no doubt even wakes up with a little gift in their ass; you people just haven’t told us Jews about that.

At Chanukah we get nothing. We don’t even get stockings. At my house we got socks, and they were irregulars, which figures. It’s supposed to be the Festival of Lights, but it wasn’t really that festive, not compared to how you Christians carry on. Let’s face it, eight little candles do not a spectacular light show make.

Is it better to give than to receive? Well, if you are really, really going to be honest, nothing beats getting stuff. Just watch the faces of those going through the goody bags after a benefit and you’ll see what I mean. These bags are filled with all sorts of items, donated by companies and individuals, as a reward for those people who came out and supported the charity, attended the opening, or sat through the awards show. People who have everything, who can buy and sell you and me and still have enough left over for a beach house and a couple of sports cars, shove their heads deep into these goody bags, hoping to find some spectacular geegaw they don’t have already. And even if they do have it, they’re greedy enough to be thrilled to have another one just like it. As George Carlin put it so beautifully, “People like their stuff.” Amen to that.

I can’t even begin to imagine what Christmas shopping must be like for you people. I mean, sure I shop, but not the way you guys do it. I walk into a couple of stores, buy my friends gifts I think they’ll like, and walk out. Done. For those of you who really celebrate Christmas, the shopping for it must be hell. Pounded insensate for weeks by a series of ads demanding that you shop, but never really having the time to really do it properly—by that I mean rationally—and then rushing to sit around with family and relations for one morning, ripping open gifts like maniacs, while everyone around you is judging the gifts that you gave. They can see who you like more. You’ve given them a concrete expression of your feelings. Now, that’s not just pressure, that’s a nightmare.

In all honesty, I have never understood why you Christians shop before Christmas at all. It’s when all the stuff is at its most expensive, except that first Black Friday where there are some deals that turn crowds nearly suicidal—and most definitely homicidal—in their lust for the great buy. So why don’t you folks wait till the 26th of December, when things are the cheapest? Just a small suggestion, from a Jew who has your best interests at heart.

I think the real joy of getting the gift is not the gift itself, it’s tearing off the wrapping paper, because until the present is actually opened, there could be anything under that paper. Anything. The mind runs wild with anticipation.