I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas - Lewis Black [23]
There was no fucking discussion, or a discussion of how to proceed with the discussion.
We are quick to help when someone’s ass is kicked or when we think someone’s ass needs to be kicked. We are great at that. We just don’t know how to take care of ourselves. We are a country where many of our people are living on the edge of catastrophe, if not in the middle of it.
Maybe we could turn Christmas into a holiday where we help those who are buried here in our country, only there is no rubble that they lie under or devastation that can be easily shown on CNN. Whether we want to believe it or not, many Americans are living on the Titanic in the shadow of the iceberg. Our cities are going down the tubes, our schools are in disrepair, as are our roads and bridges. The once grand city of Detroit is almost leveled and no one seems to give a shit. And New Orleans and its environs are being pounded by shit. More people than I ever imagined are jobless, and many of them have lost their homes. And a lot of people who once were considered middle class now find themselves living on the fringes of poverty.
“Are you trying to turn our beautiful Christmas holiday into a telethon, Lewis?”
No, I just think we should try to help the country out. I mean, just for a few years. Then we can go back to the way it was.
“My kids would kick my ass.”
You could get them something. A few gifts.
“They want a lot of gifts, Mr. Black.”
What about better to give than to receive?
“Nobody buys that shit. Especially kids.”
It was just a thought.
“Don’t think so much.”
It helps pass the time. Merry Christmas.
“Sounds like you want to get rid of Christmas, Mr. Black.”
NO. NO. NO. Once and for all, I DO NOT WANT TO DO AWAY WITH CHRISTMAS. I am not the fucking Grinch. I would just like it to be more user friendly. I just think it would be nice if we could share some of our bounty with those less fortunate during this holiday season. Is that so crazy a request? One less gift to the kids, and one that goes out to those among us in need. Then everyone might be lifted up, even if just a little. To some it would be a lot.
Before you grab your pitchforks and torches and chase me through the woods, this was merely a suggestion. Do with it what you will.
Of course I’m not totally delusional. I know what you’re thinking.
“Hey, Mr. Black, you’ve got your own holiday. Go fuck with that, and while you’re at it, go fuck yourself.”
Fine. Fuck it. What do I know? I’m easily distracted. And you’re right. It’s not my holiday.
CHRISTMAS DAY, HIGH NOON
If Clothes Make the Man,Then Why Don’t We All Dress Like Jesus?
If my Christmas-morning shower is like a tribunal, then finding the right clothes to wear for the day is an out-of-body experience.
For years, I never gave a shit about clothes. They were old, because I was always broke. They were torn, because I didn’t know how to sew and had no interest in learning. They were always wrinkled, because I don’t like to iron. The upside was no one ever robbed me. And now, lo and behold, all of that is what goes for being fucking fashionable today. When I walk into a store and look at clothes now, it’s like I’m looking at all of the shit that was on the floor of my bedroom thirty years ago. Actually, the shit that was on my floor was in better shape than what the best-dressed mannequin is wearing now.
Prewrinkled shirts. What the fuck is that about? Distressed jeans, shoes, and jackets. Are you fucking kidding me? I should have saved my