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I wish to defend myself against charges of microwave abuse. A couple of years ago on a certain television program, I made microwave popcorn from scratch, using plain popping corn, a little olive oil, and salt in a small paper bag sealed with not one, not three, but two standard office staples.

Well, despite the fact that I had tested this in no fewer than ten different ovens, and despite the fact that the product was delicious and cheaper than dirt, I received tons of angry mail. People were just sure that their houses would explode.

No. Relax. It’s okay.

As long as you’re using a microwave oven with a turntable and you don’t place the bag where the staples can rub against one of the walls, nothing bad will happen. This is because staples have very little mass and they are shorter than the microwaves themselves, which means they’re basically microwave “invisible.” So don’t be afraid to try the recipe on the next page.

WHY IS POPCORN THE PERFECT MICROWAVE FOOD?

Popcorn pops because its kernels contain a high amount of moisture. When heated, that moisture eventually turns to steam. Unable to contain the increased volume of the vapor, the starchy kernel blows out in all directions and freezes in a puffy configuration, which itself results from the rapid drop in ambient pressure. Since it only heats the water portion of the kernel, microwaves can pop corn without burning it. If yours does burn from time to time, blame the oil, which can get hotter than water.

Beyond the Burrito

Okay, back to the point. Since the outer surface of foods can’t get hot enough to brown, there’s no real reason to doom foods that benefit from tasty crusts to the mediocrity of microwave cooking. But there are plenty of foods that don’t depend on such action.

Foods not to microwave: Eggs in the shell (the same principle as popcorn, but a lot more forceful and a lot more messy). Shellfish: ditto

Microwaves (the waves not the ovens) set certain molecules into motion, creating friction and therefore heat. Since water and sugar are two of the substances most affected, fruits would seem to be prime m-wave candidates, especially when a sauce is the desired result.

When it comes to microwave ovens, round containers always outperform rectangular vessels. And because the waves bounce around the cavity of the oven, I like taller rather than shorter vessels.

Homemade Microwave Popcorn

I’ve made this stuff six ways from Wednesday and until recently I always tossed the kernels in oil before placing them in the bag. But the more I learned about microwaves, the more I started to think this might be unnecessary. After all, the stuff that does the popping (water and plenty of starch) are on the inside of the kernels. The kernel itself doesn’t need to brown, so why bother with the added mess? I ran a quick test batch and never looked back.

Although many home poppers advocate the use of other culinary oils in place of butter, I just can’t break with this tasty tradition. However, I do like a sprinkle of cheese now and then. Oh, and if you’re interested, toss a tablespoon of dark brown sugar in the bag sometime.

Application: Microwave Cooking

Pour the popcorn into a paper bag and fold the top of the bag over twice to close (each fold should be ½ inch deep; remember, the kernels need room to pop).

Seal the bag with 2 staples only, making sure to place the staples at least 2 to 3 inches apart.

Put the bag in the microwave oven and cook on high power for 2 to 3 minutes, or until the pops are 5 seconds apart.

Remove the bag from the oven and open it carefully, avoiding the steam. Pour the popcorn into a bowl and drizzle it with the butter, then toss with salt and cheese, if desired.

Yield: 6 to 8 cups popcorn

Software:

⅓ cup popcorn 2 to 3 tablespoons melted butter

Popcorn salt to taste

1 tablespoon Parmesan cheese,

finely grated, or other “cheese

sprinkle” (optional)

Hardware:

Small paper bag (standard lunch

size is fine)

Stapler (use exactly 2 staples—no

more no less)

Microwave oven with a carousel