In a German Pension [37]
has given herself must be a very great chief indeed. But to stew in this disgusting house while Casimir scours the land in the hope of finding one editorial open door--it's humiliating. It's changed my whole nature. I wasn't born for poverty--I only flower among really jolly people, and people who never are worried."
The figure of the strange man rose before her--would not be dismissed. "That was the man for me, after all is said and done--a man without a care --who'd give me everything I want and with whom I'd always feel that sense of life and of being in touch with the world. I never wanted to fight--it was thrust on me. Really, there's a fount of happiness in me, that is drying up, little by little, in this hateful existence. I'll be dead if this goes on--and"--she stirred in the bed and flung out her arms--"I want passion, and love, and adventure--I yearn for them. Why should I stay here and rot?--I am rotting!" she cried, comforting herself with the sound of her breaking voice. "But if I tell Casimir all this when he comes this afternoon, and he says, 'Go'--as he certainly will--that's another thing I loathe about him--he's under my thumb--what should I do then--where should I go to?" There was nowhere. "I don't want to work--or carve out my own path. I want ease and any amount of nursing in the lap of luxury. There is only one thing I'm fitted for, and that is to be a great courtesan." But she did not know how to go about it. She was frightened to go into the streets--she heard of such awful things happening to those women--men with diseases--or men who didn't pay--besides, the idea of a strange man every night--no, that was out of the question. "If I'd the clothes I would go to a really good hotel and find some wealthy man...like the strange man this morning. He would be ideal. Oh, if I only had his address--I am sure I would fascinate him. I'd keep him laughing all day--I'd make him give me unlimited money..." At the thought she grew warm and soft. She began to dream of a wonderful house, and of presses full of clothes and of perfumes. She saw herself stepping into carriages--looking at the strange man with a mysterious, voluptuous glance--she practised the glance, lying on the bed-- and never another worry, just drugged with happiness. That was the life for her. Well, the thing to do was to let Casimir go on his wild-goose chase that evening, and while he was away--What! Also--please to remember --there was the rent to be paid before twelve next morning, and she hadn't the money for a square meal. At the thought of food she felt a sharp twinge in her stomach, a sensation as though there were a hand in her stomach, squeezing it dry. She was terribly hungry--all Casimir's fault-- and that man had lived on the fat of the land ever since he was born. He looked as though he could order a magnificent dinner. Oh, why hadn't she played her cards better?--he'd been sent by Providence--and she'd snubbed him. "If I had that time over again, I'd be safe by now." And instead of the ordinary man who had spoken with her at the door her mind created a brilliant, laughing image, who would treat her like a queen..."There's only one thing I could not stand--that he should be coarse or vulgar. Well, he wasn't--he was obviously a man of the world, and the way he apologised...I have enough faith in my own power and beauty to know I could make a man treat me just as I wanted to be treated."...It floated into her dreams-- that sweet scent of cigarette smoke. And then she remembered that she had heard nobody go down the stone stairs. Was it possible that the strange man was still there?...The thought was too absurd--Life didn't play tricks like that--and yet--she was quite conscious of his nearness. Very quietly she got up, unhooked from the back of the door a long white gown, buttoned it on--smiling slyly. She did not know what was going to happen. She only thought: "Oh, what fun!" and that they were playing a delicious game--this strange man and she. Very gently she turned the door-handle, screwing
The figure of the strange man rose before her--would not be dismissed. "That was the man for me, after all is said and done--a man without a care --who'd give me everything I want and with whom I'd always feel that sense of life and of being in touch with the world. I never wanted to fight--it was thrust on me. Really, there's a fount of happiness in me, that is drying up, little by little, in this hateful existence. I'll be dead if this goes on--and"--she stirred in the bed and flung out her arms--"I want passion, and love, and adventure--I yearn for them. Why should I stay here and rot?--I am rotting!" she cried, comforting herself with the sound of her breaking voice. "But if I tell Casimir all this when he comes this afternoon, and he says, 'Go'--as he certainly will--that's another thing I loathe about him--he's under my thumb--what should I do then--where should I go to?" There was nowhere. "I don't want to work--or carve out my own path. I want ease and any amount of nursing in the lap of luxury. There is only one thing I'm fitted for, and that is to be a great courtesan." But she did not know how to go about it. She was frightened to go into the streets--she heard of such awful things happening to those women--men with diseases--or men who didn't pay--besides, the idea of a strange man every night--no, that was out of the question. "If I'd the clothes I would go to a really good hotel and find some wealthy man...like the strange man this morning. He would be ideal. Oh, if I only had his address--I am sure I would fascinate him. I'd keep him laughing all day--I'd make him give me unlimited money..." At the thought she grew warm and soft. She began to dream of a wonderful house, and of presses full of clothes and of perfumes. She saw herself stepping into carriages--looking at the strange man with a mysterious, voluptuous glance--she practised the glance, lying on the bed-- and never another worry, just drugged with happiness. That was the life for her. Well, the thing to do was to let Casimir go on his wild-goose chase that evening, and while he was away--What! Also--please to remember --there was the rent to be paid before twelve next morning, and she hadn't the money for a square meal. At the thought of food she felt a sharp twinge in her stomach, a sensation as though there were a hand in her stomach, squeezing it dry. She was terribly hungry--all Casimir's fault-- and that man had lived on the fat of the land ever since he was born. He looked as though he could order a magnificent dinner. Oh, why hadn't she played her cards better?--he'd been sent by Providence--and she'd snubbed him. "If I had that time over again, I'd be safe by now." And instead of the ordinary man who had spoken with her at the door her mind created a brilliant, laughing image, who would treat her like a queen..."There's only one thing I could not stand--that he should be coarse or vulgar. Well, he wasn't--he was obviously a man of the world, and the way he apologised...I have enough faith in my own power and beauty to know I could make a man treat me just as I wanted to be treated."...It floated into her dreams-- that sweet scent of cigarette smoke. And then she remembered that she had heard nobody go down the stone stairs. Was it possible that the strange man was still there?...The thought was too absurd--Life didn't play tricks like that--and yet--she was quite conscious of his nearness. Very quietly she got up, unhooked from the back of the door a long white gown, buttoned it on--smiling slyly. She did not know what was going to happen. She only thought: "Oh, what fun!" and that they were playing a delicious game--this strange man and she. Very gently she turned the door-handle, screwing