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In Search of Lost Time, Volume I_ Swann's Way - Marcel Proust [226]

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beneath the mass of new sufferings which had entered his soul like an invading horde, there lay a natural foundation, older, more placid, and silently industrious, like the cells of an injured organ which at once set to work to repair the damaged tissues, or the muscles of a paralysed limb which tend to recover their former movements. These older, more autochthonous inhabitants of his soul absorbed all Swann’s strength, for a while, in that obscure task of reparation which gives one an illusory sense of repose during convalescence, or after an operation. This time it was not so much—as it ordinarily was—in Swann’s brain that this slackening of tension due to exhaustion took effect, it was rather in his heart. But all the things in life that have once existed tend to recur, and like a dying animal stirred once more by the throes of a convulsion which seemed to have ended, upon Swann’s heart, spared for a moment only, the same agony returned of its own accord to trace the same cross. He remembered those moonlit evenings, when, leaning back in the victoria that was taking him to the Rue La Pérouse, he would wallow voluptuously in the emotions of a man in love, oblivious of the poisoned fruit that such emotions must inevitably bear. But all those thoughts lasted for no more than a second, the time that it took him to press his hand to his heart, to draw breath again and to contrive to smile, in order to hide his torment. Already he had begun to put further questions. For his jealousy, which had taken more pains than any enemy would have done to strike him this savage blow, to make him forcibly acquainted with the most cruel suffering he had ever known, his jealousy was not satisfied that he had yet suffered enough, and sought to expose him to an even deeper wound. Thus, like an evil deity, his jealousy inspired Swann, driving him on towards his ruin. It was not his fault, but Odette’s alone, if at first his torment was not exacerbated.

“My darling,” he began again, “it’s all over now. Was it with anyone I know?”

“No, I swear it wasn’t. Besides, I think I exaggerated, I never really went as far as that.”

He smiled, and went on: “Just as you like. It doesn’t really matter, but it’s a pity that you can’t give me the name. If I were able to form an idea of the person it would prevent my ever thinking of her again. I say it for your sake, because then I shouldn’t bother you any more about it. It’s so calming to be able to form a clear picture of things in one’s mind. What is really terrible is what one can’t imagine. But you’ve been so sweet to me; I don’t want to tire you. I do thank you with all my heart for all the good that you’ve done me. I’ve quite finished now. Only one word more: how long ago?”

“Oh, Charles, can’t you see you’re killing me? It’s all so long ago. I’ve never given it a thought. Anyone would think you were positively trying to put those ideas into my head again. A lot of good that would do you!” she concluded, with unconscious stupidity but intentional malice.

“Oh, I only wanted to know whether it had been since I’ve known you. It’s only natural. Did it happen here? You can’t give me any particular evening, so that I can remind myself what I was doing at the time? You must realise that it’s not possible that you don’t remember with whom, Odette, my love.”

“But I don’t know; really, I don’t. I think it was in the Bois, one evening when you came to meet us on the Island. You’d been dining with the Princesse des Laumes,” she added, happy to be able to furnish him with a precise detail which testified to her veracity. “There was a woman at the next table whom I hadn’t seen for ages. She said to me, ‘Come round behind the rock, there, and look at the moonlight on the water!’ At first I just yawned, and said, ‘No, I’m too tired, and I’m quite happy where I am.’ She assured me there’d never been any moonlight to touch it. ‘I’ve heard that tale before,’ I said to her. I knew quite well what she was after.”

Odette narrated this episode almost with a smile, either because it appeared to her to be quite natural,

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