Incubus Dreams - Laurell K. Hamilton [25]
“No, we’re friends, and I was sort of a friend in need. But you’re a grown-up, and you understood what it was. I’m not sure Nathaniel is enough of a grown-up to understand that. Hell, he can’t even say no to women who are almost strangers.”
“He turned down at least three dance offers while we were talking, and I know for a fact that he turned down the beautiful Jessica Arnet for a date.”
“He did, really?”
Jason nodded. “Yep.”
“I didn’t think he’d be able to say no.”
“He’s been practicing.”
“Practicing?”
“He tells you no sometimes, doesn’t he?”
I thought about it. “Sometimes he won’t repeat conversations to me, or tell me things. He says I’ll get mad at him, and so I should ask the other person.”
“You wanted, no, demanded, that Nathaniel be more responsible for himself. You made him get his driver’s license. You’ve forced him to be less dependent, right?”
“Yeah.”
“But you didn’t think what it would mean, did you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You wanted him to be independent, to think for himself, to decide what he wanted out of life, right?”
“Yeah, in fact, I said almost exactly that to him. I wanted him to decide what he wanted to do with his life. I mean he’s only twenty for God’s sake.”
“And what he’s decided he wants to do is be with you,” Jason said, and his voice was softer, gentle.
“That is not a life decision. I meant like a career choice, maybe go back to college.”
“He’s got a job, Anita, and he makes better money as a stripper than most college graduates do.”
“You can’t strip forever,” I said.
“And most marriages don’t last forever either.”
My eyes must have gotten too wide, because he hurried with his next words, “What I mean is that you treat everything like it’s a forever question. Like you can’t change your mind later. I don’t mean to imply that Nathaniel wants you to make an honest man of him. That never came up, honest.”
“Well, that’s a relief, at least.”
“You’ll need a pomme de sang for years, Anita. Years.”
“Jean-Claude said maybe in a few months I’d be able to feed from a distance, and not need the up close and personal stuff.”
“You’ve made progress on going longer between feedings, Anita. But you haven’t made much progress on truly controlling the ardeur.”
“I controlled it on the dance floor,” I said.
He sighed. “You shut it down on the dance floor. That’s not control, not really. It’s like you have a gun, and you can lock it in the gun safe, but that doesn’t teach you how to shoot it.”
“A gun analogy? You’ve been thinking on this for awhile, haven’t you?”
“Ever since Nathaniel told me that you hadn’t been allowing him release during the feedings.”
“Allow? He didn’t ask, and how was I supposed to know he wasn’t even doing himself in private? I mean, I didn’t tell him not to.”
“You can play with yourself, and it feels good, but it doesn’t meet the real need.”
I pushed my back tight into the tree, as if the solid wood could catch me, because I felt like I was falling. Falling into a chasm so deep that I’d never get out. “I don’t know if I can do Nathaniel and still look at myself in the mirror in the morning.”
“Why does doing Nathaniel bother you that much?”
“Because he confuses my radar. I have friends, I have boyfriends, I have people who are dependent on me, people I take care of. I do not fuck the people I take care of. It would be like taking advantage of your position.”
“And Nathaniel falls into the taking care of category?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“You think by having sex that you’re taking advantage?”
“Yes.”
“That’s not how Nathaniel sees it.”
“I know that, Jason, now.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the roughness of the bark. “Damn it, I want the ardeur under control so I don’t have to keep making these kinds of decisions.”
“And if I could wave a magic wand over you and you instantly could control the ardeur, what then? What would you do with Nathaniel?”
“I’d help him find a place of his own.”
“He does most of the housework around your place. He buys your groceries. He and Micah do most of the cooking. Nathaniel taking