Inside Out - Lauren Dane [51]
Ella turned, raising her brows in surprise. “My focus?”
“You know, El, you’re so much more than the time you were with Bill and the attack. You took something shitty and you made a new future. Most people don’t do that. They hang on forever. It’s easy to stay in that pit of despair. Or let it be your excuse for not moving on.”
She understood the tendency. “So my focus is bad?”
Elise laughed. “No, goofy! What I mean is you’re good at things. You handle things. You make up your mind to do something, and you will stop at nothing until it’s done. That’s focus. You let yourself forget that. The thing with Bill was fleeting. You were Ella before, and you’re Ella now. You are tenacious. Your eyes, your facial expression more often than not is determined, focused. Startled is what happens to deer when you surprise them. You are a lot of things, but that’s not one of them.”
Elise tossed a scarf her way, and Ella tried it with the slim, deep blue scoop-necked sweater she wore.
When the fear and shame choked her enough to gag just from being jostled by some random person on a street in full daylight, it seemed to her the thing with Bill was more than simply fleeting.
It had claimed parts of her psyche, and she hated that. That’s why she wrapped the scarf just so and put on pretty earrings. She would not cede to him one more inch of herself than he’d stolen. “I’ve been one thing for so long I sometimes forget I wasn’t always that person.”
When she was growing up, she was good at everything. She was on the honor roll all through school. She was a cheerleader, on the debate team. In the winters the Tipton clan went sledding and skiing, though ice camping was still the kookiest idea she’d ever heard. She’d been vivacious and outgoing. There’d been boys including her high school sweetheart, the sweet boy who’d fumbled around with her in his parents’ basement on the fold-out couch.
Sometimes that past was hard to bear. Hard to bear because in the middle of the night when she was alone and couldn’t sleep, she drowned in the memories of who she was and then of the fall she’d taken into who she’d been with Bill.
Elise nodded, listening.
“I hate that person. She’s weak and a victim.”
“And you have no idea how she could have ended up in that place where she made choices she never imagined she’d make. Enduring things she knew were bad.” Elise understood that.
“Yeah.”
“Let me say this. You’re making the right steps in the right order. You got your life together first. You got yourself in shape physically, you took care of school and now have a way to not only support yourself in the future, but you’re helping people who also made dumb choices and ended up hurt. And now you can have the room to explore being a woman again, in the romantic sense.”
She pulled her boots on as she thought about it. “Yeah, I think so. But Elise, Cope is so, gah, he’s just like, a jump to expert level. Maybe I should date with training wheels men first. When he kisses me, oh my god, it’s like all my body lights up. I’ve never been so hormonal! He touches me, slides his thumb over my knuckles, and it makes me quivery.”
Elise smiled knowingly. “That’s the best, isn’t it? He’s been hungry for you for a very long time. But, wow, the way he is right now? It’s intense. He wants you in a way he’s never wanted a woman before. At least not in the time I’ve known him. He wears what he feels about you on his skin. Aside from being sexy, it’s beautiful to see.”
“Do you think? Oh never mind! It doesn’t matter. Here’s what I think. I like Andrew Copeland a lot. I’ve known him for years. I trust him. I also know I’ve never felt so fluttery and discombobulated over a man, and I’m digging it. I’ve decided to let myself be happy about being giddy. I’ve decided to let myself go with it, wherever it goes, without second-guessing.”
“I’m on your team for all that.” Elise grabbed her coat. “Brody made me promise