Inside Out - Lauren Dane [85]
“It wasn’t the act of me bringing you tea that brought this on. Ella, please look at me.”
She did, raising her eyes to meet his, hanging on for dear life.
“You smiled at me. You finished your sentence and then said you’d be right with me. I told you it wasn’t a big deal. It was after that when it hit. What was it that pushed your buttons?”
“It hits sometimes. Well, no, these days it always hits in some totally random and unexpected way.” She licked her lips. “I knew you didn’t mean it that way. I knew you weren’t upset because I brought along my work to begin with. I wouldn’t have before. I gave up pretty much everything for him, so he could always be number one. You’re not like that. I know it. But some part of me deep down reacted that way. Like an animal. It’s not about you at all. I dragged you into it.”
Cope wanted to protect her from anything and everything that could harm her. He wanted to wrap her up and keep her safe. Holding her there as she couldn’t even look him in the eye over something she was not at fault for was torture. Because he wanted to fix it for her, and he couldn’t.
“Part of you will probably always react that way. It’s meant to be there, Ella. It’s the survival instinct.”
“When I first left, for months after that, I didn’t have panic attacks. I didn’t freeze up at random. He didn’t hit me every day. Not even every month. He terrorized me and made me small. That was his control. So when I left, I had it back. And then it slipped away.”
“I imagine someone breaking into your apartment with the intention of killing you would kick that animal part of a person into high gear.”
“I’d like very much to be normal all the time. Or at least crazy in good ways.”
“Everyone’s a little crazy. Life makes a person crazy. You’ve endured a lot, and yet you’re surviving. Thriving. Graduating with your master’s degree! You have a new job. You have friends who love you. You have parents who love you. And me.”
Once he said it, he couldn’t not say it again. He now had a powerful need to make sure she understood just exactly what he meant.
“I know. I’d planned to wait to tell you for at least a few more weeks. But I’ve known you for years. I’ve known you and been falling in love with you every minute of the last six years. You’re going to say it’s sudden. You’re going to say I don’t know what I’m feeling. And so I’m going to stop you before you do and tell you I know my own heart. I know the difference between how it feels to hold you, between what it means to know when you pick up one of my phone calls, I’ll hear the smile in your voice, and how it has ever been before. I love you, Ella.”
She gaped, starting to speak and breaking off several times. He satisfied himself by kissing each one of her fingertips and thinking up ways to make her come as she reeled through ways to deny what he was saying and couldn’t.
Finally she slumped, snuggling into him and whispered, “I’m glad I’m not alone.”
“No arguments?”
“I’m leaving a door open for you to exit through gracefully if I finally reveal something horrifying to you. I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Now you’re insulting me and my taste.”
She snorted, but stayed cuddled on his lap. “Well, you fell off the gorgeous blond woman wagon and into me. Jeez, Andrew, I can see the difference between me and the women you’re usually with.”
He pinched her side, but not hard enough to really hurt. “Hey. You know what else? Who am I with right now? You. Yes, you are different and that is why I love you and can’t even remember any of them. Hell, Red, I can barely remember my own name when you come into a room.”
“You’ve befuddled me on a regular basis for years now,” she muttered. “And you’re still doing it.”
It was his turn to snort. “Good. It’ll keep us both on our toes. Gonna be a bit of a bumpy ride, I imagine. At least you’re female and there’s only one of you. Maybe my dad will finally be satisfied. But it’s doubtful you’ll be spending