Inside Out - Lauren Dane [95]
She sighed, feeling better than she had in a long time for a host of reasons.
“I’m not going to be able to get back that far.” She shrugged. “That person is part of me, but so is who I was with Bill. No, no, he’s not Voldemort; we can say his name.” She paused, trying not to smile at how they had no freaking idea who Voldemort was. “The bad guy in the Harry Potter books. Anyway. I don’t want to forget it. I won’t be that cheerful, carefree person again, not totally. I can’t. What he did to me. What I allowed myself to become has changed me in ways I can’t get past. So I’ve learned to deal with them. To accept that I will always have a darkness inside, maybe a kernel of fear in my belly that will explode for no reason, hurtling me back years to a place when that fear was normal.” She realized this as she spoke. “I think I’ve finally realized and accepted that triumph. It means I react strongly when it happens because it is not a normal occurrence in my life anymore. I do not live in fear. I have my moments. I am not totally over it, and I don’t know that I can be.”
She sipped her tea, accepting totally the truth of what she’d just said. “Being with Andrew has helped me realize many things. I do have good judgment. I was worried I’d just have to give up on men forever as I had such terrible taste or what have you. But he is good and kind, and he gives me the space to be not quite whole and not quite normal. I don’t feel broken when I’m with him. Because those jagged edges are part of who I am. He sees them and accepts that they’re part of me.” She’d been pulling herself away to protect that part of her she needed to survive and get past the fear. It had been right there, though she’d never seen it. Apparently her mother saw it too.
Ella took her mother’s hands and squeezed. “I feel like if he can accept them, I can too.” As she said it, a knot, the low-lying knot in her gut that Andrew would wise up and leave her, was gone. He told her he loved her, and while she fiercely wanted to believe him, the doubt had remained, knotted with the fear. Until she’d spoken aloud the things she supposed her brain had been mulling over as the frenzy of the last few days with Erin out of the hospital had taken top priority. Once she’d said it aloud, the power of it had freed her from the fear.
“Those of us who love you never felt otherwise.” Her father patted her hand before grabbing a roll.
“Are you serious about him?” her mother asked, steering the conversation back. “What does he do at this security firm?”
“Yes, yes, I’m serious about him. I like him. I trust him. He values the things I do like family and friends. He owns this business with his brother and Todd, and they do all sorts of stuff from setting up security systems to bodyguards and personal security.”
“All right then, when do we get to meet him? All official and everything?” her mother asked.
“Can I invite him to dinner next week? I was thinking it would be a good time if you don’t have any other guests invited.”
“Yes. I’ll make a pot roast. He’s not a vegetarian?”
“Yum. He’ll love it.”
Her mother grinned. “Well, isn’t that nice? I’ll do a coconut cake too.”
“You’re the best mom I’ve ever had.” Coconut cake was her absolute favorite dessert ever, and her mother’s offer to make it meant she was pleased with the news about Ella dating. It felt good to have this rhythm with her parents again. She’d needed this connection. Had missed it desperately.
When she left, it was with a lightness of heart and a certainty she hadn’t had in a long time.
It was there, waiting in his mailbox. The envelope was deep blue this time, the ink metallic silver. A fountain pen? He smiled as he took it into the house.
Inside, she’d tucked three origami cranes. He held one in his palm, looking this way and that. The sharp, precise lines belied the whimsy and artistry.
He called her, knowing she’d be arriving home from work.
“I had no idea you knew origami. You’re a surprise to me sometimes,