Interesting Times - Terry Pratchett [70]
“Don’t you see? We are at large in the Forbidden City!”
“Not me!” said Rincewind. “I’ve never been at large. I’ve always been at hunched.”
“The enemy brought us in here and now we are free—”
“Thanks to the Great Wizard,” said Lotus Blossom.
“—and we must seize the day!”
She picked up a sword from a stricken guard and waved it dramatically.
“We must storm the palace, just as Herb suggested!”
“There’s only thirty of you!” said Rincewind. “You’re not a storm! You’re a shower!”
“There are hardly any guards within the city itself,” said Butterfly. “If we can overcome those around the Emperor’s apartments—”
“You’ll be killed!” said Rincewind.
She turned on him. “Then at least we shall have died for something!”
“Cleanse The State With The Blood Of Martyrs,” rumbled Three Yoked Oxen.
Rincewind spun around and waved a finger under Three Yoked Oxen’s nose, which was as high as he could reach.
“I’ll bloody well thump you if you trot out something like that one more time!” he shouted, and then grimaced at the realization that he had just threatened a man three times heavier than he was.
“Listen to me, will you?” he said, settling down a little. “I know about people who talk about suffering for the common good. It’s never bloody them! When you hear a man shouting ‘Forward, brave comrades!’ you’ll see he’s the one behind the bloody big rock and wearing the only really arrow-proof helmet! Understand?”
He stopped. The cadre were looking at him as if he was mad. He stared at their young, keen faces, and felt very, very old.
“But there are causes worth dying for,” said Butterfly.
“No, there aren’t! Because you’ve only got one life but you can pick up another five causes on any street corner!”
“Good grief, how can you live with a philosophy like that?”
Rincewind took a deep breath.
“Continuously!”
Six Beneficent Winds had thought it was a pretty good plan. The horrible old men were lost in the Forbidden City. Although they had a wiry look, rather like natural bonsai trees that had managed to flourish on a wind-swept cliff, they were nevertheless very old and not at all heavily armed.
So he led them in the direction of the gymnasium.
And when they were inside he screamed for help at the top of his voice. To his amazement, they didn’t turn and run.
“Can we kill him now?” said Truckle.
A couple of dozen muscular men had stopped pounding logs of wood and piles of bricks and were regarding them suspiciously.
“Got any ideas?” said Cohen to Mr. Saveloy.
“Oh, dear. They’re so very tough looking, aren’t they?”
“You can’t think of anything civilized?”
“No. It’s over to you, I’m afraid.”
“Hah! Hah! I bin waiting for this,” said Caleb, pushing forward. “Bin practicing every day, ’n I? With my big lump o’ teak.”
“These are ninjas,” said Six Beneficent Winds proudly, as a couple of the men wandered towards the door and pulled it shut. “The finest fighters in the world! Yield now!”
“That’s interesting,” said Cohen. “Here, you, in the black pyjamas…Just got out of bed, have you? Who’s the best out of all of you?”
One of the men stared fixedly at Cohen and thrust out a hand at the nearest wall. It left a dent.
Then he nodded at the tax gatherer. “What are these old fools you’ve brought us?”
“I think they’re barbarian invaders,” said the taxman.
“How’d you—How’d he know that?” said Boy Willie. “We’re wearin’ itchy trousers and eatin’ with forks and everythin’—”
The leading ninja sneered. “Heroic eunuchs?” he said. “Old men?”
“Who’re you calling a eunuch?” Cohen demanded.
“Can I just show him what I’ve been practicing with my lump o’ teak?” said Caleb, hopping arthritically from one foot to the other.
The ninja eyed the slab of timber.
“You could not make a dent on that, old man,” he said.
“You watch,” said Caleb. He held out the wood at arm’s length. Then he raised his other hand, grunting a little as it got past shoulder height.
“You watching this hand? You watching this hand?” he demanded.
“I am watching,” said the ninja, trying not to laugh.
“Good,” said Caleb. He kicked the man squarely in