Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me_ (And Other Concerns) - Mindy Kaling [0]
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Crown Archetype, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
CROWN ARCHETYPE with colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Kaling, Mindy.
Is everyone hanging out without me? (and other concerns) / Mindy Kaling. —1st ed.
p. cm.
1. American wit and humor. 2. Kaling, Mindy. I. Title.
PN6165.K35I8 2011
818’.602—dc23
2011033922
eISBN: 978-0-307-88628-6
Jacket design by Laura Duffy
Jacket photography by Autumn de Wilde
7.3, photo of Mindy Kaling and Conan O’Brien, copyright © NBCU Photo Bank/Margaret Norton.
14.2, photo of Mindy Kaling and Paul Lieberstein, copyright © Michael Gallenberg.
14.5, photo of Mindy Kaling directing Will Ferrell, copyright © NBCU Photo Bank/Chris Haston/NBC.
All other photographs, Matt & Ben postcard, and Matt & Ben script excerpt are courtesy of the author.
v3.1
For my parents
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
HELLO
Introduction
Alternate Titles for This Book
I FORGET NOTHING: A SENSITIVE KID LOOKS BACK
Chubby for Life
I Am Not an Athlete
Don’t Peak in High School
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (Or, How I Made My First Real Friend)
I LOVE NEW YORK AND IT LIKES ME OKAY
Failing at Everything in the Greatest City on Earth
The Exact Level of Fame I Want
Karaoke Etiquette
Day Jobs
Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities
Matt & Ben & Mindy & Brenda
HOLLYWOOD: MY GOOD FRIEND WHO IS ALSO A LITTLE EMBARRASSING
Types of Women in Romantic Comedies Who Are Not Real
All About The Office
Franchises I Would Like to Reboot
Contributing Nothing at Saturday Night Live
Roasts Are Terrible
My Favorite Eleven Moments in Comedy
How I Write
The Day I Stopped Eating Cupcakes
Somewhere in Hollywood Someone Is Pitching This Movie
THE BEST DISTRACTION IN THE WORLD: ROMANCE AND GUYS
Someone Explain One-Night Stands to Me
“Hooking Up” Is Confusing
I Love Irish Exits
Guys Need to Do Almost Nothing to Be Great
Non-Traumatic Things That Have Made Me Cry
Jewish Guys
Men and Boys
In Defense of Chest Hair
Married People Need to Step It Up
Why Do Men Put on Their Shoes So Slowly?
MY APPEARANCE: THE FUN AND THE REALLY NOT FUN
When You’re Not Skinny, This Is What People Want You to Wear
These Are the Narcissistic Photos in My BlackBerry
Revenge Fantasies While Jogging
MY ALL-IMPORTANT LEGACY
Strict Instructions for My Funeral
A Eulogy for Mindy Kaling, by Michael Schur
Good-bye
Acknowledgments
Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
(And Other Concerns)
Hello
Introduction
THANK YOU for buying this book. Or, if my publisher’s research analytics are correct, thank you, Aunts of America, for buying this for your niece you don’t know that well but really want to connect with more. There are many teenage vampire books you could have purchased instead. I’m grateful you made this choice.
I thought I’d take a minute to answer some questions:
What is this book about?
In this book I write a lot about romance, female friendships, unfair situations that now seem funny in retrospect, unfair situations that I still don’t think are funny, Hollywood, heartache, and my childhood. Just that really hard-core, masculine stuff men love to read about. I wrote this book in a way that reflects how I think. Sometimes it’s an essay or story, and sometimes it’s a pliest, which is a piece with a list-y quality, a term I’ve just made up.
Is this one of those guide books celebrities write for girls?
Oh, hell no. I’m only marginally qualified to be giving advice at all. My body mass index is certainly not ideal, I frequently use my debit card to buy things that cost less than three dollars, because I never have cash on me, and my bedroom is so untidy it looks like vandals ransacked the Anthropologie Sale section. I’m kind of a mess. I did, however, fulfill a childhood dream of writing and acting in television and movies. Armed with that