Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me_ (And Other Concerns) - Mindy Kaling [67]
2. I was on my way to the GQ Man of the Year Party. There was absolutely no reason for me to be there, but I’d heard Drake might perform. I did my own hair and I wanted to see if it looked awful.
3. I also wanted to see if my dress was too low-cut. I ultimately decided it was not too low-cut, but while wearing it, I had to keep my hands hovering over my cleavage, as though I were constantly overheated, like an old-timey Southern woman from a cartoon.
4. Yes, I am with my two best friends Brenda and Jocelyn who are very dear to me, blah blah, but this photo is more significant because it is a rare time where my head looks normal size. I have an enormous head, so it is important to me to have a few flattering, head-minimizing photos, in case I ever need to use them for one of those birthday cakes that have photographic icing.
5. I wasn’t positive I could pull off big, black plastic glasses, so I took this photo. If you ever need to be a well-read, artsy hipster in a hurry you should really have big black plastic-framed glasses.
6. Now I needed to make sure I could pull off the glasses when I wasn’t smiling. I look so f’ing cool here. I’m basically Claire Danes.
7. My boyfriend, David, doesn’t end conversations with me by saying good-bye. He says, “LTFT” or “Last Thing, First Thing,” which means I am the last thing he thinks about before bed and the first when he wakes up. Anyway, this awesome guy asked me to go see a Harry Potter movie. This is how he asked me, by sending me a photo of himself holding the ticket print-outs. I love this photo.
8. I took my friend Sophia as my date to the Writers Guild Awards four years ago, and she was a perfect date. My dress is so weird, I look like I’m a real estate agent at a bachelorette party. Gross. I was also in a bad mood because I had just broken up with my boyfriend (not David, some old, forgettable boyfriend). I wasn’t going to go at all, but Sophia made me and we had a great time.
9. I was thrilled about my pink checkerboard toenails. A whimsical toenail polish is one of the only places I believe whimsy should be allowed.
10. Ellie Kemper and I from shooting The Office episode “Classy Christmas,” which I wrote. Ellie is wonderful because she never balks when I want to take pictures of us. I’m cheesy, and she celebrates it. I think I did a really good job of hiding the fact that I took the photo, making it look like some dude just randomly took a photo of two smiley, pretty girls, right?
11. I did my own eye makeup one night and was very excited about it. I took an extreme close-up in the hope that I would be able to follow what I did later on. It was not helpful. I also noticed some weird scar tissue on the whites of my eye, so I called my mom up in the middle of the night to ask her about it. It turned out to be nothing. I could delete this photo.
Revenge Fantasies While Jogging
IF IT WEREN’T FOR my imagination, I would weigh ten thousand pounds. This is because the only way I am able to exercise anymore is through a long and vivid revenge fantasy.
I’m not talking about revenge on real-life people I know, like, “Oh, Ed Helms cut in line at lunch, so I’m going to write that his character Andy gets super fat.” That has some justice to it, since he seems to love food so much! I’m talking about elaborate Kill Bill–type stories, involving people who do not actually exist, where I play the lead role. Because revenge fantasies are such a big part of what I think about when I exercise, I’ve listed some of my greatest hits. Please integrate these into your own workouts, and say sayonara to calories!
MY HUSBAND IS MURDERED IN CENTRAL PARK ON AN IDYLLIC SPRING DAY
My husband was murdered by a serial killer in Central Park. We were walking by the reservoir one beautiful late-spring afternoon eating ice-cream cones and he was suddenly shot in the back of the head by a deranged man wearing an Antonin Scalia