It Looked Different on the Model - Laurie Notaro [68]
And if that wasn’t terrifying enough, another ball of fright was headed my way when my mother sent me the “FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: MAKE SURE YOUR DAUGHTERS KNOW! & EVERYONE ELSE” email, which included a note that “This was written by a guy from KVLY-TV in Fargo. This is true. Scary!”
Because if that confirmation doesn’t ink this stamp of Bill O’Reilly’s approval, I don’t know what would.
It turns out that people at truck stops and Walmarts will follow you and ask you what kind of perfume you are wearing, then offer you that very perfume at a bargain-basement price. According to the Guy From KVLY-TV in Fargo, the men will stand between parked cars and ask you to sniff the perfume they are selling, and if you haven’t already sensed the danger of a man standing between parked cars (must share a common ancestor with the Van People), when you sniff the perfume, you’ll pass out.
BECAUSE IT IS ETHER! And then you will be pickpocketed as you lie helpless on the asphalt of a discount retailer, and hopefully your fall will be strategic enough that you’ll miss both the puddle of Bud Light upchuck and the dirty diaper from the baby whose parents are trying to sell her by the entrance.
According to email legend, this has happened in the parking lots of Big Lots, as well, and although I’m not going to comment about why I’m not sure thinning the herd is all that bad of an idea, I will say that, if there are people game for the sniff test moments before spending six bucks on sweatpants at Walmart, there is an audience for this, if anyone can capture it on film. Not to mention that if any of these centers of commerce are regular destinations—not ones visited under duress or during a kidnapping scenario—whatever scent you throw on your body bears the notes of embalming fluid or gasoline, anyway, and if spending a dollar less on it in a parking lot from a guy who has missing teeth and facial scabs is even remotely a good idea to you, then you deserve to land in that diaper and have your wallet plundered for the six dollars plus change that was in it.
Then, almost as if my mother got them in a “Violence Against Women” bundle, like independent film stations on cable, four came in quick succession like a meteor shower:
1. “FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: Must know about*77” (I think this one originated at the same moment hominids split off from apes, because it took me two minutes to scroll past all the “FWD”s):
I knew about the red light on cars, but not the *77. It was about 1:00 P.M. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. Lauren dialed *77 and the police came immediately. The police pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes, including previous Impersonating an Officer charges.
2. “FWD: FWD: FWD: DO NOT open the door for a crying baby”:
Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her “Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.”
The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman told her that they think a serial killer has a baby’s cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby.
3. “FWD: Read—important”:
THE RECENT TRAGEDY OF A YOUNG WOMAN BEING