It's My Life - Melody Carlson [15]
I asked why he didn't show up on time and he just shrugged; then he looked me right in the eye and said, “Caitlin, I'm totally messing up my life right now. Just making a complete mess of everything. Now, what do you think of that?”
I said I thought it was too bad. And you know what? I wasn't the least bit glad that he was suffering so bad. Not at all like I'd have thought I'd be. In fact, it was all I could do not to reach out and give this grunge guy a great, big hug. So then I asked him if he was doing any drugs. (I mean, sheesh, all the signs seemed to be there, missing work, his appearance, his eyes…) And he just nodded, sadly.
Well, my heart just sank and then I let him have it. “Zach Streeter,” I said a little too loudly because a couple at the next table suddenly looked our way. So I toned it down. “Why are you doing this to yourself? You have so much potential, so much to offer. I mean, just a few months ago you were helping me to straighten out my life and directing me toward God. Do you remember that?” I pointed my finger at him and he nodded sadly.
Then I continued, knowing for sure that I sounded exactly like that preachy “Sister Caitlin” that Beanie complains about, but somehow I just couldn't help myself. “So, you've made some mistakes, have you, Zach? Well, now who the heck hasn't? But just because you blow it a couple times doesn't mean you just give up, do you? And what about God, Zach? What about your commitment to Him? You just giving that up too?”
I could see his fingers curling into fists, but not like he was mad exactly, just frustrated maybe. “I know, Caitlin. I know all that stuff. What do you think I've been telling myself every single day?”
“Yeah, but do you ever listen?”
He looked directly at me then and suddenly I could see his eyes were getting moist and I wasn't sure how much I should push this. So I just prayed a quick, silent prayer, asking God to help me out here. I mean, who am I to think I can rescue somebody like this? I suddenly realized I was walking on real shaky ground here. What right do I have to tell anyone else how to live? I mean, what do I know of his struggles, his demons, his fears?
But then I said, “You know, Zach, God has never stopped loving you, not even for a minute. And He will never stop forgiving you either. But you've got to love yourself and you've got to forgive yourself.” I think that got his attention somehow, and so I thought I'd better continue. “Now, I'm convinced you're aware of how badly you hurt Beanie, and to be honest, when I came here today, I really wanted to let you have it with both barrels.” I shrugged. “But somehow I don't feel that way anymore.”
“Probably because you can see how I've done such a great job of beating myself up,” he said in a dismal tone.
I nodded. “Maybe. But just the same I wanted to let you know how Beanie's doing. Have you seen Josh lately or heard anything?”
He shook his head sadly. “Actually, I've been out of town a couple of weeks, just hanging with the wrong crowd and messing myself up even more. I came back this morning, hoping I might be able to straighten out before I lose everything.” He looked me in the eyes. “And I mean everything, Caitlin.”
Then I finally reached over and put my hand on his arm (I couldn't even believe I did it), and then I said (to my own surprise), “Zach, can you please forgive me for judging you?”
He looked shocked. “Geeze, Caitlin, what'd ya mean? You've got every right to judge me. Shoot, I've been a total jerk to your best friend. I've been selfish and irresponsible–”
I held up my hand to stop him. “I know, I know. But I was having some pretty bad thoughts toward you. And now I'm thinking you're sorry about everything that's happened with Beanie.”
“Yeah, I'm sorry. You bet I'm sorry. Man, if I could turn back the clock, I would in a minute. I would! I'd do anything