It's My Life - Melody Carlson [54]
When I got home, I immediately called up Pastor Tony, hoping I could talk to him and get some answers, but unfortunately he wasn't home, and I really didn't want to leave a message, so I just hung up. Then not wanting to be there when my parents got home, I hopped in my car and took off over to Steph's to pick up Beanie since we'd planned to go visit Jenny today anyway.
Apparently, Steph and Oliver were spending the day with Pastor Tony (the reason he wasn't home). So I sat on the couch and told Beanie all about the confrontation with my parents and how angry and disappointed I was in them. And for the first time since I can ever remember, Beanie sided with my parents–against me!
“Cate, if I had parents like yours, I'd listen to them. I mean, just look at them, they're both well educated and responsible and respectable citizens. And if that's not enough, they're even Christians who go to church. And just for the record, I think they're absolutely right about the college thing. You're way too young to think you can go off and be some missionary in Mexico. You need to finish your education first, and who knows, by then you might even want to do something else anyway.”
Well, I felt like I'd just been run over by a Mac truck. I mean, I was totally speechless. But not Beanie. No way. She just kept going. “And besides, Cate, aren't children supposed to obey their parents? And to respect them too? And I don't mean to offend you, but aren't you just a little bit concerned that this whole Mexico missionary thing might simply be your codependent side raising its head again?”
“I–I don't know,” I finally said, fighting to hold back the tears. Her words really cut deeply, but my pride kept me from wanting to admit this hurt. “But the thing is,” I try, sounding weak. “I don't think anyone should tell anyone else how to live her life. I think it's a private thing between her and God.”
“Well, if that's true, then why do you even have friends or parents or pastors? Why do we bother to talk about things?”
“I don't know.” I stood up, trying not to show how upset I felt, but failing miserably. “And right now I'm wondering why I even bothered to talk to anyone about this.” I walked over to the door. “And you can be sure, I won't again!”
“Oh, don't get mad, Caitlin,” she started. “I'm sorry–”
But it was too late. I was outta there.
I drove around all afternoon. And now I'm kicking myself because I never did go in to see Jenny. But I will tomorrow, somehow, even if I have to get off work to do it. I didn't get back home until after dark, and then I went straight to my room. Oddly enough, no one even bothered me. I suppose they think if they leave me alone, I'll cool off and come to my senses and forget all about this Mexico nonsense.
DEAR GOD, I'VE PROBABLY MESSED THINGS UP A LOT BY OPENING MY BIG, STUPID MOUTH TODAY. BUT I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO GO DOWN TO MEXICO TO FEED THOSE KIDS. IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT? I MEAN, I'VE BEEN THINKING THAT IF YOU'RE CALLING ME TO BE A MISSIONARY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEXICO? DEAR GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY CALLING ME TO BE A MISSIONARY? OR HAVE I JUST IMAGINED THE WHOLE THING? BECAUSE IF YOU ARE CALLING ME, I'M WILLING. I JUST NEED YOU TO SHOW ME WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO. AND I SUPPOSE I SHOULD GO DOWN AND APOLOGIZE TO MY PARENTS FOR BEING DISRESPECTFUL TODAY. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, I TRULY BELIEVE YOU WANT ME TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET AND TO FOLLOW YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE, EVEN IF NO ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND IT. BUT I JUST NEED FOR YOU TO MAKE IT CLEAR WHAT YOUR WILL IS. PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND. AMEN.
Anyway, I did go downstairs and apologize to my parents. I didn't say much except that I didn't mean to be so disrespectful. They were very sweet about the whole thing, and they even apologized too. Thankfully we didn't talk about it anymore. But I did assure them that I was praying for God to lead me. And