It's Not Luck - Eliyahu M. Goldratt [56]
“Which means,” I complete the cloud, “that you must
‘Not tolerate Debbie’s jealousy.’ You are caught in a real conflict, my darling. And since I know how much Debbie means to you, no wonder you’re bothered.”
“ ‘Not allow friendship to deteriorate to ownership.’ I’m going to tell that to her. She must understand that she doesn’t own me. That I’m allowed to have a boyfriend. Especially someone so cool as Eric.”
“What about the other reasons that you mentioned?” I politely inquire.
“Forget it. This is the real thing.”
I think that it would be a mistake to stop here. If the other things were not important, Sharon would not go into a withdrawal. Debbie alone wouldn’t have done it.
“Sharon, I think that we should continue on.”
“Why?”
“Because you are too quiet. If it were just Debbie’s jealousy, then probably you would have raved about her, you would have tried to find ways to put some sense into her skull, but it’s unlikely that it would have caused you to crawl into your cocoon.”
“Crawl into my cocoon? I didn’t crawl into anything. Look, I didn’t ask . . .”
“Sharon,” I stop her before she goes too far. “The other things might not look really important. But I suspect that to you they are, and in a deeper sense than you yourself appreciate.”
“I don’t understand.”
But at least she understands that I’m not trying to blame her or, even worse, to pat her on the head.
“I guess that I can help you find why the other things are troubling you to the extent they are. Do you want to try?”
“If you insist.”
“Take a clean page,” I say, and hand her the pen. “Now, let me show you how to start with a troubling event and finish . . .”
“Wait,” she sighs. “What do you mean by troubling event?”
“You know, those irritating things that don’t seem important but nevertheless haunt you for hours, sometime days.”
“Yes,” she smiles. “I have a few of them.”
“You see, the mere fact that something troubles us more than it should indicates that this event has somehow caused more harm than is apparent on the surface.”
She thinks about it.
“My speculation is,” I carry on, “that the things that are bothering you cause you to compromise on something that is really important to you. Do you want me to show you how to start with one of these troubling undesirable events and reveal the real damage?”
“Do you think that I can do it?” She sounds skeptical.
“Let’s see. What was the thing about Eric that you have to comply with? You said something about not seeing him for a while?”
“Yeah. He has some lousy exam on Monday. It’s a long story.”
“Okay. Write here, on the right, ‘Not see Eric until Monday.’ ”
As she writes, she comments, “I will have to go alone to the party. Isn’t it awful?”
“Now, below it write what you want.”
“I want to see him every day.”
“Fine. Write it down. Now, to the left of it, write why it is so important to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Why is it important to you to see Eric every day?”
“Because it is. He is my boyfriend. We have to be together. Isn’t it obvious?”
“So write, ‘Be close to Eric.’ ”
In my mind I quickly check the validity: In order to ‘Be close to Eric’ I must ‘See Eric every day.’ Why? I don’t dare ask.
“Now comes the difficult question: In order to satisfy what need do you comply with not seeing Eric? Why do you think you should not see him until Monday?”
“I told you, he has to pass the exam. He claims that it’s important. At least to his mother it’s important. Actually it is. If he fails again he will have to switch to a lower course and he wants so much to be an engineer.”
“I’m happy to see that you don’t allow your friendship to deteriorate to ownership.”
“You mean demand to see him every day?”
“Yes. If you want a good friendship you must consider the other side’s needs.”
She thinks about it. “I guess you’re right.”
“So, in order to satisfy what need do you comply with not seeing Eric? Write the answer down.”
“I still don’t understand. What should I write? Because of Eric? That’s what you want me to write?”
“In order to satisfy what need?