Jailbird - Kurt Vonnegut [53]
I blame Sarah somewhat for this sensational mistake. While I was taking the money from the billfold, she was satirizing sexual love again, pretending that the music was filling her with lust. She undid my necktie, which I would be unable to retie. It had been tied by the mother of a friend with whom I was staying. Sarah kissed the tips of two of her fingers passionately, and then pressed those fingers to my white collar, leaving a smear of lipstick there.
Now the music stopped. I smiled my thanks. Diamond Jim Brady, reincarnated as the demented son of a Cleveland chauffeur, handed the Gypsy a twenty-dollar bill.
The Gypsy was quite suave at first, imagining that he had received a dollar.
Sarah, believing it to be a dollar, too, thought I had tipped too much. “Good God,” she said.
But then, perhaps to taunt Sarah with the bill that she would have liked me to take back, but which was now his, all his, the Gypsy unfolded the wad, so that its astronomical denomination became apparent to all of us for the first time. He was as aghast as we were.
And then, being a Gypsy, and hence one microsecond more cunning about money than we were, he darted out of the restaurant and into the night. I wonder to this day if he ever came back for his fiddlecase.
But imagine the effect on Sarah!
She thought I had done it on purpose, that I was stupid enough to imagine that this would be a highly erotic event for her. Never have I been loathed so much.
“You inconceivable twerp,” she said. Most of the speeches in this book are necessarily fuzzy reconstructions—but when I assert that Sarah Wyatt called me an “inconceivable twerp,” that is exactly what she said.
To give an extra dimension to the scolding she gave me: The word “twerp” was freshly coined in those days, and had a specific definition—it was a person, if I may be forgiven, who bit the bubbles of his own farts in a bathtub.
“You unbelievable jerk,” she said. A “jerk” was a person who masturbated too much. She knew that. She knew all those things.
“Who do you think you are?” she said. “Or, more to the point, who do you think I am? I may be a dumb toot,” she said, “but how dare you think I am such a dumb toot that I would think what you just did was glamorous?”
This was the lowest point in my life, possibly. I felt worse then than I did when I was put in prison—worse, even, than when I was turned loose again. I may have felt worse then, even, than when I set fire to the drapes my wife was about to deliver to a client in Chevy Chase.
“Kindly take me home,” Sarah Wyatt said to me. We left without eating, but not without paying. I could not help myself: I cried all the way home.
I told her brokenly in the taxicab that nothing about the evening had been my own idea, that I was a robot invented and controlled by Alexander Hamilton McCone. I confessed to being half-Polish and half-Lithuanian and nothing but a chauffeur’s son who had been ordered to put on the clothing and airs of a gentleman. I said I wasn’t going back to Harvard, and that I wasn’t even sure I wanted to live anymore.
I was so pitiful, and Sarah was so contrite and interested, that we became the closest of friends, as I say, off and on for seven years.
She would drop out of Pine Manor. She would become a nurse. While in nurse’s training she would become so upset by the sickening and dying of the poor that she would join the Communist Party. She would make me join, too.
So I might never have become a communist, if Alexander Hamilton McCone had not insisted that I take a pretty girl to the Arapahoe. And now, forty-five years later, here I was entering the lobby of the Arapahoe again. Why had I chosen to spend my first nights of freedom there? For the irony of it. No American is so old and poor and friendless that he cannot make a collection of some of the most exquisite little ironies in town.
Here I was again, back where a restaurateur had first said to me, “Bon appétit!”
A great chunk of the original lobby was now a travel agency. What remained for