Jamrach's Menagerie - Carol Birch [122]
His mother’s eyes grew huge.
“He told me to tell you both he was all right. I know it sounds funny, but it’s what he said. Tell them I’m all right.”
Ishbel shrieked, “Oh! Idiot!” and threw her hands up to her face.
“Said he’s all right and you’re not to worry.”
She was laughing. We all did, for a second.
“Oh!” she cried. “Ain’t that just like him?”
So there we were, the three of us with tears streaming down our faces.
“He was steady,” I said. “He really was. Don’t think I could’ve been so steady. He was …” My voice gave out.
Mrs. Linver blew her nose.
“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Linver,” I said, and there was nothing I could ever do to make it better. I was here and he was gone, and between us all for ever the shared horror of what had become of him, what I had done. It came back to me still, the pressure of my finger on the trigger.
Ishbel wiped her cheeks with the palms of both hands. “I’ll get the tea,” she said, bobbing up and dashing out. I sat in agony, wanting to run, stiff like a bug in amber.
“Really,” I said, “he was very, very brave.”
Silly words.
Mrs. Linver nodded, knitting her brows into jags and turning her face away to look into the fire. The coals shifted. The sounds of people passing in the street came as if from dreamland, echoing like sounds in a shell. For a moment I believed I might faint.
“That’s a nice plant,” I said desperately. “Does it flower in the summer?”
“Oh yes, very beautiful,” Mrs. Linver said sadly. “Lovely pink flowers.”
Ishbel came in with the tea tray, walking backwards as she pushed the door open. I jumped up and took the tray from her. Her face was flushed.
“Now,” she said, “just put it down there, Jaffy. Thank you.”
Did they expect more of me? All the things I could tell, the things I have tried so hard not to dwell upon. Could I soon go?
“Mind you,” Mrs. Linver continued thoughtfully, “it’s getting leggy.”
“What is?” Ishbel sat down.
“That plant.”
“Oh yes, I must give it a trim.” Ishbel smiled at me brightly as if this was just an ordinary visit. “Thanks for coming, Jaffy.”
“That’s all right.”
“I can’t imagine how terrible it was for you.”
“At least he’s here,” her mother said.
“Well, thank God for that.”
Ishbel poured the tea. “Did I tell you I was engaged to be married?” she said, not looking at me. “Me? Can you believe it?”
“Of course.”
“Really?”
She handed me a cup.
“He’s a lighterman,” she said, “works on the Surrey Dock.”
“Oh! Congratulations!”
“Thank you.” She gave her mother a cup and saucer. “He’s a good sort, is Frank,” she said, sitting back down and stirring her tea. I felt like a stone. “So what about you, Jaffy? What will you do now?”
“Me? I haven’t decided yet.”
“Oh well, no rush.”
There was a long silence while we sipped our tea. I had to get out.
“What’s it like where you are?” I asked, and my voice came out harsh.
“Oh, it’ll do.” She set her cup down. “That’s too hot.” She frowned.
“Hard work?” I asked.
“I don’t mind hard work.” She glanced sideways at me, half smiling. I looked away. “Trouble is, it gets very tedious.”
“Things do.”
The fire hissed.
“I’m not sure I can see myself keeping onshore,” I said, surprising myself.
“Are you mad?” She laughed.
“Possibly.”
“I suppose you’ve every right to be.” She picked up her tea again and blew on it. “Oh, it’s not so bad where I am, but I’ll go off my head if I stay too long.”
“Don’t you dare leave there!” her mother exploded. “How would that look? After Mr. Jamrach spoke for you!”
“Oh, Mr. Jamrach knows me,” Ishbel said airily and turned to me. “Do you know, I had a regular slot at the Empire?”
“Really?”
“Really.”
For a moment our eyes met. There was puzzlement in hers. As for me, I don’t know what she saw.
“We’ve been ever so well taken care of,” Mrs. Linver told me, nodding gratefully, nursing her cup under her chin.
Fledge’s money.
“Yes, we have.” Ishbel smiled prettily. “Isn’t it funny?” Then her face broke up, just like it used to when she tripped up and scraped her knees years ago. She put her cup down so clumsily hard that it cracked the saucer. “Oh shite!