J.R. Ward the Black Dagger Brotherhood Novels 1-4 - J. R. Ward [624]
“So let’s get that part behind us.”
She felt rather than saw his nod. “I love you.”
With a quick jerk, he drew back his hips and sliced forward.
The pain was raw and fresh and she gasped, shoving against his shoulders to keep him from moving any farther in. Instinct had her body struggling under his, trying to find a way out or at the very least to get some distance.
Butch lifted his torso off her, and their bellies brushed while they both breathed hard. With his heavy cross swinging between them, she let out a raw curse. The pressure before had been mere discomfort. This wasn’t. This hurt.
And she felt so invaded by him, taken over. God, that female chatter she’d overheard about how it was all lock-and-key wonderful, how the first time was magic, how everything was so easy—none of that was true for her.
Panic swelled. What if she really was broken on the inside? Was this the defect the males of the glymera had sensed? What if—
“Marissa?”
—she couldn’t get through it at all? What if every time it hurt like this? Oh, Jesus…Butch was very male and he was very sexual. What if he went looking for other—
“Marissa, look at me.”
She dragged her eyes to his face, but all she could pay attention to was the voice in her head. Oh, Jesus, it wasn’t supposed to hurt this badly, was it? Oh, Jesus…she was defective…
“How you doing?” he said roughly. “Talk to me. Don’t keep it inside.”
“What if I can’t stand it?” she blurted.
His expression went utterly bland, becoming a deliberate mask of calm. “I don’t imagine many women like their first time. That romantic version of losing your virginity is a lie.”
Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe she was the problem.
The word defect raced around her head even faster, even louder.
“Marissa?”
“I wanted it to be beautiful,” she said with despair.
There was a horrible silence…during which all she knew was the strain of his erection in her body. Then Butch said, “I’m sorry you’re disappointed. But not all that surprised.”
He started to pull out, and that was when something changed. As he moved, the dragging sensation caused a tingle to go through her.
“Wait.” She grabbed on to his hips. “That’s not all there is to it, right?”
“Pretty much. Just gets more invasive, though.”
“Oh…but you haven’t finished—”
“I don’t need to anymore.”
When his erection slipped free of her, she felt curiously empty. Then he moved off her body and she grew instantly cold. As he flipped a comforter over her, she felt his arousal brush against her thigh for an instant. The shaft was wet and had softened.
He settled on his back next to her, resting both forearms over his face.
God…what a mess. And now that she’d caught her breath, she wanted to ask him to keep going, but she knew what he would say. The “no” was in the stiffness of his body.
While they lay side by side, she felt like she should say something. “Butch—”
“I’m really tired and not at all coherent. Let’s just go to sleep, okay?” He rolled away, punched a pillow, and exhaled in a long, uneven breath.
Chapter Twenty-eight
Marissa woke up later, surprised she’d slept at all. But that was feeding for you. No matter what, she always had to take rest afterward.
In the dimness, she checked the red glow of an alarm clock. Four hours to dawn and she had things to do that she needed the night for.
She looked over her shoulder. Butch was on his back, his hand on his bare chest, his eyes flickering to and fro under his lids as he slept deeply. His beard had grown in, his hair was all over the place, and he looked a lot younger. Handsome, too, in his slumber.
Why couldn’t it have worked out better for them, she wondered. If only she could have held on a little longer, given it more of a chance. And now she had to go.
She slipped out from under the comforter, and the air was chilly on her skin. Moving quietly, she gathered up her slip, her corset…panties, where were her panties—
Stopping short, she looked down with surprise. On the inside of one of her thighs, there was a trickling warmth—blood. From when he