Junk - Melvin Burgess [95]
I thought, that’s something, anyway, and I reached out to move it and as my hand went towards it I had another glimpse and this time there was the little ring at the bottom of the tube. A perfect little ring, saying you got it. I don’t know why I saw two different things; it must have been the angle, the light, I don’t know. But it was too late to stop my hand. I grabbed the tube and everything in it went up in a little puff. The ring was gone as soon as I’d seen it and I had no idea which glimpse was the real one and which one I’d imagined…
I heard my mum saying, bad things always come in threes.
Rob turned up later and they had a terrible argument. She was furious with him for calling the pigs, even though she’d almost been strangled. Obviously they couldn’t go back to their place because the police’d be watching out for them… they were both scared even to go out of the house. We put them up in our bedroom and they were screaming at each other all night – Lily croaking away because of her throat and bursting into tears. One of them started to trash the place. Me and Tar just sat in the kitchen and listened to it; we didn’t dare go in. The baby was ‘mazing, quiet as a mouse the whole time, although I heard him crying at night a couple of times.
It got quiet later on. Me and Tar made up some cushions in the spare room and kipped down there. I said to him, ‘What’re we gonna do?’
He was lying there looking at me in the dark. He said, ‘They can’t stay here.’
‘Why not?’
‘The police are looking for them. We’ll only get done. Anyway, Rob’ll be wanting to carry on dealing and we can’t have two dealers in one house.’
I thought, You bastard, they did everything for us and now all he can worry about is his business. I shifted about a bit, then I said, ‘Maybe we ought to move out and let them stay here.’
‘What for?’ He sounded surprised.
‘You know what a mess Lily’s in.’ It was true. Lily was worse than any of us. She’d got hooked in Manchester, now she’d got addicted again here. ‘She can’t cope with getting a new place,’ I said. ‘She should stay here. We can go. We could move right out. We could get out of here…’
Tar shook his head. ‘I’m not giving up my place for them, why should I?’ he said.
‘I mean, we could get right away. You know?’
There was a pause and then he said, ‘Not yet, Gems. I’m not ready for that yet.’
I didn’t say anything. I thought about that little ring at the bottom of the test tube. I thought, When did Tar turn into a shit and when did I fall in love with him?
He leaned across and kissed me. ‘Dandelion, I love you,’ he said.
‘I love you,’ I said. He pulled a smile, I pulled a smile, not real ones. Then he turned over and went to sleep.
I didn’t tell him about me being pregnant. I knew what he’d say. He’d want me to have it. He keeps saying we should have a baby like Rob and Lily. It’s stupid. We’re both junkies. But the really awful thing is – I want to have it, too. I knew that when I caught that glimpse of the little ring in the bottom of the tube. I wasn’t frightened or upset by it, you see. I was pleased.
I want to have Tar’s baby. Now that really is stupid, isn’t it?
I don’t know why I’ve started to love him so much. It always used to be the other way round, him loving me more. I don’t understand myself, because he’s a bastard now, really. He lies, he cheats. He pinches my money. Just helps himself out of my purse. He nicks our stash. He takes the smack and goes away and doesn’t come back till he’s finished it. Then he tells me he loves me. His eyes sort of swivel about. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t think he knows what’s true any more. I always used to think that when I fell in love, I’d fall for some bastard with an earring. Well, now I have.
I lay in bed and I thought for a long, long time. About Tar. About Lily and Rob and Sunny. You look in that baby’s eyes – he’s full of it – junk, I mean. He must get it through the milk. She even rubs a few grains on his gums if he’s playing up. He’s a junkie, he’s been a junkie all his little life, he was a junkie before he was