Krik_ Krak! - Edwidge Danticat [47]
"People here pronounce our names wrong all the time."
"That is why I know the way I say his name is not how it is meant to be said."
"You better learn his name. Soon it will be your daughter's."
"That will never be my daughter's name," she said, "because it was not the way I intended her name to be said."
In the corner behind her bed, Caroline's boxes were getting full.
"Do you think Ma knows where I am those nights when I'm not here?" she asked.
"If she caught you going out the door, what could she do? It would be like an ant trying to stop a flood."
"It's not like I have no intention of getting married," she said.
"Maybe she understands."
That night, I dreamed of my father again. I was standing on top of a cliff, and he was leaning out of a helicopter trying to grab my hand. At times, the helicopter flew so low that it nearly knocked me off the cliff. My father began to climb down a plastic ladder hanging from the bottom of the helicopter. He was dangling precariously and I was terrified.
I couldn't see his face, but I was sure he was coming to rescue me from the top of that cliff. He was shouting loudly, calling out my name. He called me Gracina, my full Haitian name, not Grace, which is what I'm called here.
It was the first time in any of my dreams that my father had a voice. The same scratchy voice that he had when he was alive. I stretched my hands over my head to make it easier for him to reach me. Our fingers came closer with each swing of the helicopter. His fingertips nearly touched mine as I woke up.
When I was a little girl, there was a time that Caro-line and I were sleeping in the same bed with our parents because we had eaten beans for dinner and then slept on our backs, a combination that gives bad dreams. Even though she was in our parents' bed, Caroline woke up in the middle of the night, terrified. As she sobbed, Papa rocked her in the dark, trying to con-sole her. His face was the first one she saw when Ma turned on the light. Looking straight at Papa with dazed eyes, Caroline asked him, "Who are you?"
He said, "It's Papy."
"Papy who?" she asked.
"Your papy," he said.
"I don't have a papy," she said.
Then she jumped into Papa's arms and went right back to sleep.
My mother and father stayed up trying to figure out what made her say those things.
"Maybe she dreamt that you were gone and that she was sleeping with her husband, who was her only com-fort," Ma said to Papa.
"So young, she would dream this?" asked Papa.
"In dreams we travel the years," Ma had said.
Papa eventually went back to sleep, but Ma stayed up all night thinking.
The next day she went all the way to New Jersey to get Caroline fresh bones for a soup.
"So young she would dream this," Papa kept saying as he watched Caroline drink the soup. "So young. Just look at her, our child of the promised land, our New York child, the child who has never known Haiti."
I, on the other hand, was the first child, the one they called their "misery baby," the offspring of my parents' lean years. I was born to them at a time when they were living in a shantytown in Port-au-Prince and had nothing.
When I was a baby, my mother worried that I would die from colic and hunger. My father pulled heavy carts for pennies. My mother sold jugs of water from the public fountain, charcoal, and grilled peanuts to get us something to eat.
When I was born, they felt a sense of helplessness. What if the children kept coming like the millions of flies constantly buzzing around them? What would they do then? Papa would need to pull more carts. Ma would need to sell more water, more charcoal, more peanuts. They had to try to find a way to leave Haiti.
Papa got a visa by taking vows in a false marriage with a widow who was leaving Haiti to come to the United States. He gave her some money and she took our last name. A few years later, my father divorced the woman and sent for my mother and me. While my father was alive, this was something that Caroline and I were never