Kup's Chicago - Irv Kupcinet [113]
And I am certain, too, that you will agree that its popularity, despite its peculiar broadcast time, demonstrates beyond doubt that people want more out of television than they are accustomed to getting.
And I’m just as sure, as I’m sure that Chicagoan Newton Minow was appointed Federal Communications Commission Chairman, that this added measure of quality is coming to television. I am proud and grateful for whatever part Chicago and At Random will prove to have played in bringing this improvement about.
12. Parting Shorts
One thing I learned long ago as an emcee: a good way to get offstage is with a laugh.
This advice holds just as true for writing columns.
And come to think of it, it’s not a bad rule for books, either.
So here, from among the thousands of quips and anecdotes my readers seem to have enjoyed over the years, are some of my favorite stories.
They Call It Culture
Quin Ryan tells of the report from France that artist Pablo Picasso had been robbed. But according to local newspapers, Picasso had gotten a good look at the thieves and had willingly sketched them for the local police. Working with his drawing, within forty-eight hours the officers arrested eight gypsies, two horses, a hearse, an accordion, and the Eiffel Tower!
Author Upton Sinclair once was asked what he thought of a certain dull novel. He said he could best answer by citing a friend’s experience with the book. During World War II, the friend was carrying a copy in a breast pocket. One day a bullet struck him right over the heart – but he was saved by the book. Not even a bullet could get past the fourth chapter!
In the Pump Room a few years ago pianist Arthur Rubinstein was telling of his return from an extended tour of the Orient. His first day back, his son, then two, took him by the arm and said, “Play, Daddy, play.” Almost overcome at the thought that the child understood he was a concert artist and wanted to hear him play, Rubinstein strode to the piano. But as he was about to start, the youngster tugged at his arm again.
“No,” he said, “Daddy, play – play gramophone!”
On one of his final concert tours of the United States, Ignace Jan Paderewski, the famed pianist and Polish statesman, was approached by a grimy bootblack who inquired, “Shine, mister?”
“No,” replied the musician, “but if you’ll wash that dirt off your face, I’ll give you a quarter.”
The youngster raced to a hydrant, washed his face thoroughly, then returned to collect his quarter. Accepting it, he hesitated a second, then suddenly handed it back, saying:
“Here, mister, you keep it – and get yourself a haircut!”
Rudyard Kipling, in his day, was one of the highest paid authors in the world, commanding the then unprecedented sum of six shillings per word. One day he received a letter from a practical joker which read:
“Dear Sir. I am enclosing six shillings. Will you be good enough to send me one of your high-priced words.”
Kipling replied immediately: “Thanks.”
Richard Aldrich was starting a theater group outside of New York and selected George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion as his first presentation. Due to a fund shortage, he cabled Shaw to ask if the playwright wouldn’t accept less than his usual royalties.
“Because of our infancy,” Aldrich cabled, “we feel entitled to request this reduction.”
By return cable, Shaw replied in two words:
“Grow up!”
Stop the Presses
Bob Hope tells how various columnists handled the story of an auto accident in which he was involved.
Drew Pearson: “I predict Bob Hope will see his doctor.”
Westbrook Pegler: “Bob Hope, if that’s his real name, crashed his car while driving home from a Paul Robeson concert, which he attended with Eleanor Roosevelt and Henry Wallace.”
Walter Winchell: “Hope was forced off the road by one of the 250,000 tanks the Russians have patrolling