Kup's Chicago - Irv Kupcinet [115]
“Well, it’s like this,” said the father. “Suppose a man comes into my clothing store and buys a pair of pants. He gives me a new ten-dollar bill. Now, he doesn’t know it, but another ten-spot is stuck to it. Son, the ethics is, shall I tell my partner about the extra ten bucks.”
During Franklin D. Roosevelt’s second term, an Irishman was visiting his priest for some spiritual advice. The priest, after giving the necessary counsel, asked of him, “Now, my good man, is there anything else?”
The Irishman hemmed and hawed, and finally confessed, “I’ve got a terrible hate in my heart. I hate Ickes. I hate Wallace. I even hate FDR.”
The priest looked at him in astonishment, then asked, “But what about the Supreme Being?”
“I’m sorry, Father,” was the reply. “But I hate Eleanor, too.”
Former President Truman once gave this reason for his daily, fast-paced walks:
“Any man who expresses himself as freely as I do must keep moving!”
Show Biz
The late stutterin’ Joe Frisco, the comedians’ comedian, was one of the most quoted in show business. Of many Frisco classics one concerns the time his employer, Charlie Foy, supposedly discovered a turkey missing from the icebox of his California night club. Foy summoned all the help – entertainers, waiters, busboys, everyone – and demanded of each if he knew who had stolen the turkey. When the finger was pointed at Frisco, he stammered, “If y-y-you th-th-think I ate your t-t-turkey, weigh me!”
Joe once borrowed five bucks from Bing Crosby, pleading he was broke and hungry. “If you g-g-give me a f-f-fiver,” Frisco promised, “I’ll r-r-run right out and b-b-b-buy a ch-ch-chicken for d-d-dinner.” Bing forked over the money. Frisco, as expected, raced to the closest bookie. Later Bing inquired about the chicken. Replied Frisco, “He c-c-c-came in f-f-fifth at S-S-Santa Anita.”
Then there was the time Frisco was invited to join a society group at a swank address. One of the swank guests imbibed too much and proceeded to knock over a bottle of champagne. The management quickly cleaned the table and the party resumed, but not without a pointed comment from Joe Frisco. “If th-th-this had been a party of b-b-beer drinkers like I travel with,” he said, “the ss-same management would have said, ‘Get out – everybody out!’”
On Michigan Avenue one day I accompanied Frisco on a visit to his old Chicago haunts. We paused at the Illinois Athletic Club, where the comedian walked through the lobby without a single nod of recognition. “My, my,” he sighed, “how s-s-soon people f-f-forget.”
“You once were a member?” I asked.
“N-n-not exactly,” he replied. “Th-th-thirty years ago, I was an el el-elevator b-b-boy.”
They remember Joe in Hollywood, too. Once, when Hollywood police were conducting a campaign against jaywalking, Frisco crossed the street in the middle of the block. Immediately an officer pounced on him. Frisco gave him a dirty look and demanded.
“H-h-hovv f-f-fast was I g-g-going, officer?”
Oscar Levant, attending a private screening of a film in Hollywood, was asked by the producer how he liked it. With typical Levant candor, Oscar said: “I think it’s terrible!”
“Who are you to think it’s terrible?” retorted the producer.
Replied Levant, “Who do you have to be?”
The late George S. Kaufman once invited Levant to spend a weekend at the Kaufman farm in Bucks County. On his arrival, Mrs. Kaufman took Oscar aside, and confided, “I thought you’d be embarrassed about the servants so I tipped them each three dollars and said it was from you.”
Levant turned white with rage.
“Damn it!” he shouted. “Why didn’t you make it five? Now they’ll think I’m tight!”
Levant’s mother, who always had great ambition for him, insisted that he devote a certain number of hours daily to the piano. When he eloped the first time, he called her on the phone and excitedly reported, “Mom, I just got married!”
To which Mrs. Levant answered, “Never mind that. Did you practice today?”
Singer Buddy DiVito tells of the frantic patient who rushed to the office of his psychiatrist and screamed, “I have no talent!