Kup's Chicago - Irv Kupcinet [117]
Sam Goldwyn, according to one Hollywood story, was called up by his board of directors some years ago to explain why he was so late getting a story into production.
“I needed a director with imagination,” he replied, “and after a long search, the field was boiled down to three prospects. I asked each of them the same question, to see how much imagination he had. The question was, ‘How much is two plus two?’
” ‘Four,’ said the first one.
“The second one – ah, what an imagination – said, ‘Three million.’
“And the third – he had the greatest imagination in the world – replied, ‘Five million.’”
“Well,” asked a board member breathlessly, “which of the three did you hire?”
“The first one,” said Goldwyn. “He was my wife’s brother.”
Brian Donlevy and George Jessel were reminiscing about the late, great John Barrymore when Jessel recalled this incident: Barrymore once visited a haberdasher)’ to purchase a shirt. He selected what he wanted and asked that it be sent home.
“Your name?” asked the clerk.
The actor, taken aback that he was not recognized, replied “Barrymore.”
“And your first name?”
Barrymore fixed a cold stare on the clerk, and snapped:
“Ethel!”
Jessel, who is so rightly known as America’s Toastmaster General (he has emceed some ten thousand banquets in his lifetime), was listening to various speakers extoll his virtues at a banquet in his honor in Chicago. As speaker after speaker appeared, piling one compliment upon another, one of the guests noticed that Jessel was beginning to cringe. Tapping him on the shoulder, the guest whispered, “George, I’m surprised that you’re so shy. You actually seem embarrassed by all this praise.”
“Who’s embarrassed?” demanded Jessel. “I’m just thinking how much better I could say all this!”
Max Gordon, the producer who speaks only in theatrical terms, wandered into the Lambs Club in New York seeking an old-time actor he hadn’t seen for years. He inquired of the actor’s whereabouts from the club manager. “Why, he died a year ago in Kansas City,” said the manager.
“Typical of him,” replied Gordon. “He always died in Kansas City!”
In England, Jimmy Durante was surprised to find a horse named Durante entered in one of London’s major races – listed at 100-1 on the morning line. But because Jimmy was in town, a possible omen of luck, so many people wagered a bob or two that the odds were driven down to 10-to-i. Still, the Schnoz, who rarely bets, put down five pounds.
“And whaddaya think this horse does?” said Durante. “It wins by a nose – everybody wants to get into the act!”
Artist James Montgomery Flagg once saw Beatrice Lillie dining with an attractive woman in the Pump Room. Eager to employ the glamour girl as a model, Flagg scribbled a note to Miss Lillie, asking, “Who is that gorgeous creature?”
To which Miss Lillie replied in one word:
“Me.”
Red Skelton tells about the studio employee who was desperate for a salary increase. He went in to his boss, then recited a long tale of woe and hard luck.
“He didn’t get the raise,” says Skelton. “But the studio bought his story!”
Authors often are unhappy with Hollywood’s treatment of their novels. And Chicago’s Willard Motley is no exception. I asked him which of the two movies based on his books, Knock on Any Door or Let No Man Write My Epitaph, pleased him more.
“The first one,” he said. “In that they kept two lines of my dialogue.”
After former President Harry S. Truman’s celebrated duet with James C. Petrillo at an American Federation of Musicians Convention in Milwaukee, Petrillo was flooded with gag wires from friends around the country. One of his favorites, from Frank Holzfiend of the old Blue Note, said:
“Saw your new combo on television. Crazy, man. Can offer you week at Blue Note – providing you bring same partner.”
Shortly before his death, the great Al Jolson told of one of many things of which he was particularly proud:
“I spent two hours with General MacArthur in Japan – and President Truman had only one!”
During a political discussion, in Hollywood, George Burns, one of the funniest