Kup's Chicago - Irv Kupcinet [119]
“The first swimming pool,” the owner explained, “has warm water – for my friends who like to swim in warm water.
“The second swimming pool has cold water – for my friends who like to swim in cold water.
“And the third swimming pool has no water at all – for my friends who don’t like to swim.”
The college-educated young man about to enter his father’s fur business decided to tour Europe in search of something new in milady’s furs. Returning home, he said, “I’ve found it. It will revolutionize our business, Papa. It’s a brand-new idea – crossing mink with gorilla to get the loveliest fur you ever saw.”
“Crossing mink with gorilla?” said Papa. “Son, it wouldn’t work. The sleeves would be too long!”
Joseph Schwartz of the Lady Esther cosmetics firm visited his firm’s plant in Mexico City a few years ago and had this experience:
A bell, announcing the morning coffee break, sounded just before lunch one day. On the next day, the bell pealed shortly after the employees reported for work. Curious as to the irregularity of the break, Schwartz asked his plant manager about it.
“Oh,” said the manager, “we do have a regular time for the bell – we ring it when the coffee is ready.”
“But,” said Schwartz, “if the break were scheduled at the same time every day, would not this be more efficient?”
“Ah, but Señor,” said the manager. “We cannot do that in Mexico. Imagine the waste of time if the bell sounded at the same hour each day – and the coffee was not ready!”
It happened during a convention. Four visitors were having such a gay time a night-club doorman had to pour them into a cab, then explain to the driver where each was to be delivered. “The one on the left goes to the Morrison,” he said, “the one in the middle to the Sherman, the one on the right to the Palmer House, and the one in his lap to the Sheraton-Blackstone.”
Nodding in acknowledgment, the cabby drove off. Five minutes later he was back, however.
“Say,” he said. “Would you mind sorting these guys again? I hit a bump on State Street!”
“Deep in the Heart of …”
Then there was the Texan who died and left his estranged wife three million dollars, with this note:
“She’s lucky I didn’t cut her off entirely.”
And have you heard about the Texan who was so wealthy he had an unlisted phone company?
Or another Texan who was so absent-minded he forgot the Alamo?
And, according to troubadour Chuck Foti, there’s a new antique car club in Texas – open to anyone with a Cadillac over one year old.
And sporting goods tycoon Milt Klein tells of the millionaire Texan who decided to take up fishing. He bought a buck-fifty rod, a two-dollar reel – and the Gulf of Mexico.
David Niven left Hollywood for his native England to serve in World War II. Shortly after arriving, he met an old colonel of his regiment. The old campaigner looked at Niven, then remarked, “Why of course I know you. You’re Niven. Tell me what you’ve been doing lately.”
“I’ve been in Hollywood,” replied Niven.
“Hollywood? Why bless my soul, never knew we had a station there!”
Two Irish terrorists captured by the British had been sentenced to hang. As it happened, the gallows was located directly over the River Liffey, and by some quirk of fate, as the first Irishman was being hanged, the noose broke. Down through the trap door he slid, and into the river, but somehow he was able to swim for safety. As the noose was knotted around the second Irishman’s neck, he pleaded:
“Please, for goodness sake, make sure the noose doesn’t break again – I can’t swim!”
Democratic Congressman Sidney Yates of Illinois passes along this story of the forty-one-year-old Irishman who tried to enlist in the Army the day following the outbreak of World War II, but was turned down because he was over thirty-five. But, noting the man’s disappointment, the recruiting sergeant said, “Look, Pat, maybe you made a mistake in your age. Go home and check your birth record and then come back.”
Early the next