Kushiel's Avatar - Jacqueline Carey [126]
"I remember." He smiled wryly. "He put a dagger to your throat. I tried to tender my sword to Delaunay afterward. He wouldn't take it."
"No," I agreed. "He wouldn't. And then Barquiel's men came and insisted Alcuin accompany them ..."
". . . and you insisted on going, and Delaunay ordered me as well, and you and I and Alcuin ended up eating bread and cheese in the Duc's kitchen while he and Delaunay discussed affairs of state." Joscelin laughed. "Elua! Were we truly that young and foolhardy?"
"Yes." I leaned against him. "And you thought I was the most willful, depraved creature you'd ever laid eyes on."
"You were," he said companionably, putting his arm about me. "As I recall, when Delaunay threatened to sell your marque if you didn'tstay put, you reminded him that Melisande Shahrizai might be interested in buying it."
I winced. "I said that, didn't I? I didn't know what she was, then."
"No." Joscelin looked at me. "But you do now. Phèdre, why did you swear an oath to her in La Serenissima?"
I was silent for a long while, gazing out at the ocean. It looked much like any other stretch of sea, interminable waves dashed by the wind into curling white crests. I should be glad, I supposed, that the overcast sky merely threatened rain. Though we were only going up the Akkadian coast, it was later in the season than sailors favored. "I don't know," I said finally. "It was only to help find her son. I never dreamed it would lead to this."
"I know." His voice was very soft. "And like as not, you'd have done it anyway. Believe me, love, I know how you feel. No matter whose son he is, he's only a child. I saw the ones in Amílcar, too, and it still makes my palms itch for the sword. But Phèdre, you swore it to her."
"I know, I know." All of that, my oath extracted, and she had still written to Pharaoh behind my back. Well and so; had I expected otherwise? He might have restored her son to her. And I, loyal to my Queen, would give him unto Ysandre's keeping. I had vowed to do no less, and Melisande knew full well that was a promise I would keep. I closed my eyes, feeling her fleeting kiss burn against my lips. "She said I was the conscience she never wanted."
"And you believed it?"
I couldn't fault him for his dry incredulity. I opened my eyes and gazed up at him. "Yes. No. I don't know, Joscelin. The priest of Kushiel, the last time I went— " I couldn't help a shudder of remembered pleasure, " —he reminded me, all the Companions, even Kushiel, even Cassiel, Joscelin, do but follow in Blessed Elua's shadow. I can only believe we do the same."
"Love as thou wilt," Joscelin murmured, "and pray like hell it is enough."
I nodded, my throat too tight to speak. I looked away and stared at the undulating waves until it passed. "What else can I do? I hate it that my heart should fall to my feet at the sight of her, but it does. It grieves me more than I can say that I have turned aside from my quest to free Hyacinthe, who has suffered so long. I am terrified of my dreams, I am terrified of the Skotophagoti., and I am terrified of the Akkadians, whoare supposed to be our allies. And I am well and truly wroth with my lord Kushiel, whose justice seems to me to be monstrous. If I cannot trust in Elua's compassion ..." I shuddered and did not finish.
"Phèdre." Joscelin put both arms around me and held me hard. "Hyacinthe has endured a dozen years, and he'll endure a dozen more if he has to. He's stronger than you credit him. He's like you, he's had to be. Your dreams are only dreams, no more, and the Akkadians, fearsome or no, are our allies. As for Melisande . . ." He shrugged. "Who knows? Mayhap you are her conscience. Of a surety, her son should not suffer for her crimes. Not this. No one should. It is a matter of D'Angeline pride to redeem him."
"Pride." I laughed, half in tears. "One of our sins, the Yeshuites would