Kushiel's Justice - Jacqueline Carey [185]
"I'm so sorry," I whispered.
"We buried her beside Dorelei in a place of honor. Talorcan said she deserved it." Alais sniffled and tried to smile. "When you come back, someday, mayhap you can bring me a pup from Montrève. Not soon, but someday. I don't think Celeste would mind. I think she would want me to have one of her great-grand-nieces at my side.”
"Of course." I blinked. "Surely, you're not staying?”
"I think I am." Her small face turned grave. "Not at Clunderry. Father won't allow it, and I'm not sure I could bear it. But he said I might continue my studies at Stormkeep, and live with Hyacinthe and Aunt Sibeal. Aunt Breidaia will be there, too. And Firdha agreed to it.”
"Why?" I asked.
"I belong here," Alais said simply. "And I want to learn." She looked down at her lap, knotting her fingers. "Do you remember I told you I had a nightmare about a bear, once? And I thought it wasn't a true dream?" I nodded. "Well, I think mayhap I was wrong." Her fingers worked. "It might have made a difference. I don't know.”
"There was nothing you could have done, love," I said gently. "And trying to meddle with the future is a bad idea. Dorelei thought it drove the Maghuin Dhonn a little bit mad, and I believe she was right. That's what this was all about, you know.”
Alais looked up, her eyes troubled. "Yes, but I can't help having the dreams, Imri. Or at least not without being someone I'm not, all bound up like you are. I don't think that's right, either. Surely there's a balance. Not to seek a greater gift than one was given, but to understand the small one and use it wisely. That's all. Do you think it so wrong?”
I thought about it. "Well, you did tell me about the man with two faces. It helped me remember Lucius was my friend, and that may have made a difference in Lucca.”
"I had another true dream about you, once," Alais said softly. "Do you remember?”
"Did it involve a snowstorm and a barren tree?" I asked.
She shook her head. "I dreamed we were brother and sister, really and truly." I didn't say anything. Alais smiled sadly. "I thought it meant you were to wed Dorelei and I was to wed Talorcan. I think I may have been wrong about that. Firdha says one of the most dangerous things you can do is apply your own desires to a dream's meaning.”
"Alais …" I murmured.
"It's all right." She drew her knees up beneath the skirt of her gown, wrapping her arms around them. "I don't know why I was so upset about it. You and Sidonie." She cocked her head, considering. "No, that's not true. I was jealous. You were always mine, Imri." I raised my brows, and Alais laughed. "Well, not like that! Like…”
"Like a brother?" I suggested.
Alais nodded. "I love Sidonie, I do. Not many people know her well. She's very …careful. But it can be hard to be her younger sister. Everything was always set, everything was certain for her. She's the Dauphine. She's the pretty one, the proper one, the one who never gets her clothing torn, or spills her food, or blurts out the wrong thing at the wrong time, or gets forgotten, or cares what anyone thinks.”
I thought about linen ripping beneath my fingers and Sidonie's voice at my ear, gasping ragged entreaties, and despite the pang of guilt that came with it, I smiled for the first time since Dorelei's death. "That's not really true, you know.”
"Well, it always felt like it." Alais smiled too, wistfully. "And then there was you, Imri. I was too young to remember the arguments, and anyway, I didn't care. I only knew you were brave and strong and kind, and a little bit wild and dangerous, but in a good way. Like a fierce, loyal dog that no one else can pet. And you'd had adventures; terrible adventures and wonderful adventures. And you weren't afraid of anything, but you always listened to me and treated me like a real person.”
Her description startled me. "Is that how I seemed?”
"Oh, yes!" Alais' face glowed. "And everyone else except Phèdre and Joscelin was too stupid to see it; too stupid to see you, the real you. That made you mine.”
"Oh, Alais!" My throat