Kushiel's Justice - Jacqueline Carey [247]
"Did he tell you that?" I asked.
"In time." Ethan sipped his beer. "At first he did not speak our tongue, although he learned it swiftly. But I knew. I could see the shadow of guilt that haunted his eyes, strongest of all when he gazed at Adam.”
"And yet you trusted him with your son," I said.
Ethan met my eyes. His were dark, like his son's; quiet and soulful, set in a worn, gentle face. "He saved Adam's life," he said. "He traded his robe to buy us goods we could scarce afford. Adam thought him wondrous. I persuaded him to stay, to travel with us, for the boy's sake. Yes. I trusted him.”
"And in time, you spoke," I said.
"Yes." He looked down, turning the cup in his hands. Strong hands, laborer's hands, engrained with dirt that a single scrubbing wouldn't remove. "He told me he had done a thing too terrible to speak of. That he must flee as far as he might, carrying its curse on his shoulders, carrying it far, far from his people." He glanced up at me. "And as he learned our tongue, I spoke to him of Yeshua ben Yosef, who lived and died in the flesh that he might take the sins of all mankind on his shoulders and bear them for eternity. All men, even such a man as Berlik.”
"All of this before Maarten's Crossing?" I asked wryly.
"No." Ethan smiled a little. "No, he learned fast, but not so fast. But I could see that his heart was good. I persuaded him to take the pilgrim's cap and spoke on his behalf.”
I nodded. "I see.”
"But through Skaldia, we spoke." Ethan tilted his head, gazing into the past. "When we crossed into Vralia, I could feel it was different. I could feel it in the soil, I could feel it singing in the marrow of my bones. A change. A kingdom built in Yeshua's name, a kingdom on earth. That night, I prayed for Berlik, and I persuaded him to kneel and pray with me. I told him that whatever he had done, if he was willing to surrender his heart and his guilt into Yeshua's keeping, he would find forgiveness here. Berlik wept.”
I swirled my beer. "And is it all you hoped, Ethan? Yeshua's kingdom?”
"All?" he said thoughtfully. "Not all, no. There is much that is different and strange. The first time I saw the soldiers of Tadeuz Vral, wearing the cross upon which Yeshua died as a badge of war, I felt strange to myself. But there is hope, too. For me, for my family. Perhaps for Berlik, too.”
Another silence fell between us. I had thought to lie to this man and his family. Now that I was here, I couldn't. They knew too much. The cross pendant weighed heavy around my neck, tugging at my conscience. Heavy as the croonie-stone, straining against my own desires. I sighed and removed it, laying it on the table. The fire in the hearth crackled. The cheap gilding on the cross glinted dully, its colors muted. I felt lighter without it.
"Where is he?" I asked simply.
"Berlik said you would come." Ethan gazed at the cross. "The avenging angel." The muscles in his lean throat worked as he swallowed. "I know you're not, not really. We're Flatlanders, we know D'Angelines. And yet, a thing may be true and not true. Have you not found it to be so?”
"Yes," I said. "I have.”
His eyes were bright with tears. "There is a place…we learned of it along the pilgrims' route. It lies east, toward the Narodin Mountains. Miroslas. A yeshiva of sorts, a quiet place, where men go to think and be silent. It is said that the Rebbe there is a very holy man. He contemplates ways in which the Children of Yisra-el and Vralia may serve Yeshua's purpose alike. That is where Berlik went when he parted ways with us, to think and be silent.
"Miroslas," I said quietly. "My thanks.”
Ethan shook his head. "He told us, he told me, that I was to tell you where he went. You, and you alone. I promised. I wish I had not.”
"I'm sorry," I said. The fire crackled. On the far side of the hearth, I could make out the figure of Galia, still and listening, her sewing unattended in her hands. Adam sat quiet in his bunk, occupied with some child's toy. "Why do you think he did it?”
"I think there is a part of him that wishes to die,"