Kushiel's Justice - Jacqueline Carey [40]
"With the wooden daggers?" Sidonie nodded, her eyes bright with tears. "Yes. I'm sorry for that, too. I was wrong.”
"When did it all change?" I asked. "How?”
"The hunting party?" She smiled a little. "I don't know. It happened bit by bit. The day with the daggers, when I realized I was wrong. Do you know, we had a nursemaid from Camlach who was certain you meant to poison me and marry Alais? She used to spy on us whenever Mother had you visit in case the guards weren't vigilant enough.”
"She did?" I felt sick.
Sidonie nodded. "She gave Alais nightmares. Mother dismissed her when she found out. Alais loved you so much, from the very beginning. It worried me.”
"Does it still?" I asked.
"For different reasons." She hugged her knees. "She adores you, Imriel. And this…" She shook her head. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, honey-colored in the sunlight angling through the window. "How did we come to this?”
"You laughed." I watched the sunlight play on her hair. "When you saw the deer.”
"You should have seen your face," she said.
"I know." We smiled at each other. "Sidonie, it was the first time, I think, that I truly saw you. And it felt like the world had turned upside down.”
"I remember." She was quiet for another long moment. "And I remember watching you tend to poor Alais' dog, kneeling on the ground with Amarante's embroidery needle, covered in blood. Elua!" Sidonie shuddered. "You won her over that day, I think.”
"Alais?" I asked, confused.
"Amarante." She said the name fondly. I wished she'd linger over mine the same way. "Mother would dismiss her for conspiring in this, you know.”
"Why?”
"Because you're Melisande Shahrizai's son, Imriel." Sidonie’s gaze was steady and direct. "My mother is fond of you. She trusts you. She is entirely sincere in her desire to see you an honored member of House Courcel. But if you wonder if she harbors a seed of doubt, yes, of course. She'd be a fool not to. And I daresay the one thing that could truly ignite it would be you in my bed.”
I swallowed. "I see. And you, too?”
"No." She raked a rare impatient hand through her hair. "No, I don't. But how am I supposed to explain that I saw a look on your face when you thought you were protecting me, and I knew?" She shook her head. "And why am I thinking of doing this? Name of Elua! I could take a goatherd for a lover, and Mother would stand by my choice. She wouldn't like it, but she'd allow it.”
"I was a goatherd," I said.
Sidonie didn't laugh. "Imriel, tell me truly. How much of what lies between us is just the lure of the forbidden? Can you even say?”
"No." I got off the bed, restless, and paced the room's small confines. "Truly? No. It's a part of it, I know. I do. I didn't reckon…I didn't know Ysandre would feel quite so strongly. I didn't think, I suppose. I really was a goatherd, you know. I didn't grow up thinking of myself as a Prince of the Blood or Melisande Shahrizai's son. I don't want your throne, I don't even want the estates I have.”
"I know," she said. "But—”
"I want you, Sidonie." I knelt before her chair and caught her hands. "You're the most infuriatingly self-possessed person I've ever known, and somehow I've come to admire you for it. And I know there's fire underneath it, and it makes me crazy. I can't help it. If you want me to leave, I'll go, but—”
She tore her hands free of mine and grabbed my head, kissing me hard. Sunlight, liquid gold. I slid both arms around her, hands pressing her slender back. We tumbled onto the floor together, our fall cushioned by a woven rug. I held her down, kissing her. Ah, Elua! My head was filled with a dazzling brightness, my body singing with desire.
"Imriel…" Sidonie arched her neck, gasped. "Ow!”
"Sorry." I'd pinned her hair to the floor. I pulled her atop me and sat up, settling her astraddle of my lap.
"I don't—" Her skirts were puddled around us. She rocked against me. "Oh.”
With one hand, I undid the laces of her