Kushiel's Justice - Jacqueline Carey [57]
She laughed; that laugh. It made my heart soar. I freed one wrist and kissed it. There were marks where the rope had been. "Better?”
"Yes." Sidonie flexed her arm, watching me work on the other wrist. "I don't want you to leave.”
"I'm not going anywhere, Sun Princess," I murmured, taking the time to plant a kiss on the upturned palm on her outstretched hand. "Not tonight, I promise you.”
"I don't mean tonight.”
I freed her other wrist. "Tell me.”
"You." Sidonie tossed off the coils of rope, sat up, and shook her head impatiently. "Imriel, have you any idea how many women of the Court look at you and see somewhat beautiful and damaged and dangerous? Have you any idea how many dream of easing that haunted look behind your eyes?" She raked one hand through her hair. "Name of Elua! You don't, do you?”
"No," I said softly. "I …no.”
"You're so…" She shook her head again. "And the damnable thing is, I wasn't one of them. Never. And now you smile at me, and it feels like my heart's on a string and it's being yanked out of my chest.”
"I know the feeling," I said. "All too well.”
Sidonie sighed, drawing up her knees and hugging them. "I love you," she said in a small voice. "I thought if I didn't say the words, mayhap it would go away. But Elua help me, I do. So much it hurts. So much that I already miss you. I don't know if I can bear it.”
I moved behind her, enfolding her in my arms. "Do we have a choice?”
"Not any good ones." Sidonie leaned back, head resting on my shoulder. She gazed at the dancing patterns of candlelight on the ceiling. "Believe me, I've thought about it. I can't step aside as Mother's heir. It would fall to Alais, and that would throw everything into chaos in Alba. I can't do it.”
"No, I know," I said. "Joscelin said to wait a year.”
"Oh, he did, did he?" She shifted in my arms to get a look at me. "You didn't tell me that part.”
"You hadn't told me you loved me," I observed.
"I was hoping it would pass," she said wryly. "Elua! This is so stupid.”
"True." I tightened my arms around her. "But I do love you. Sidonie, in a year, you'll gain your majority. And if I spend it in Alba, no one will be able to claim I didn't do my best to obey the Queen's wishes. Everything would be different.”
"Mayhap," she mused. "A year's a long time.”
I smiled. "Not so very long.”
Sidonie twisted to look at me again. "What if there's a child, Imriel? That's the whole point, isn't it? To secure the line of succession in a manner agreeable to Terre d'Ange and Alba alike?”
"Yes," I said slowly. "If there is, there is. I'm sure any child born into Drustan's family would be raised with love and care. I've seen how he is with you and Alais.”
"I'd hate it, though," she murmured. "Knowing there was such a big part of you that would never belong to me.”
"Possessive?" I asked lightly.
"Of you? Yes." Sidonie turned all the way around to face me. "I don't mind sharing your body." She kissed me. "I'm D'Angeline, or at least half. It's the other things that hurt more. Thinking about you laughing with someone else the way we do. Thinking about you sharing your heart. A child would be the worst." She sighed again. "I know you have to try. And ah, gods, I know I shouldn't feel this way, I know it's not what we've all agreed is best for both nations, but I do.”
"Let's hope I'm not terribly fruitful," I said.
She nodded. "Let's.”
"You haven't…?" I frowned.
Sidonie laughed. "Oh, that would be an interesting solution, wouldn't it? No, no. I'm not ready to importune Eisheth, not even on your behalf." She cocked her head and regarded me. "I would, though, someday.”
"Truly?" I whispered.
"Yes." She took my face in her hands and kissed me. "Truly. Imriel, let's not talk anymore. I'm tired of talking.”
We didn't, not that night. We made love once more, languorous and sweet and slow, altogether different from the first time, and just as nice. The best part was falling asleep together, curled beneath the warm coverlet. It felt so terribly good to feel her body nestled into mine,